Wednesday, August 17, 2016

This is 40 bucket list.

Turning a year older is a milestone. I mean, not all will get the privilege to do that. So, it got me thinking because in a few months time, God willing, I will turn 40.

"One day you will wake up and there won't be any more time to do the things you've always wanted. Do it now." - Paulo Coelho

One day, I had lunch with a friend, of whom I haven't seen in a long time. After we updated each other about our lives, she asked me, "So, what do you do for yourself?". It took me awhile to answer her, partly because I don't know what to say. I haven't been ask that question before. Eventually, I said I go to work and hang out with my sister. And she was like, no, not that. Her query added more sense ( I hope ! ) to what I plan to do.

So anyway, here goes my list:
  • Go for a long walk.
  • Try yoga.
  • Get inked.
  • Cut my hair short, like really, really short.
  • Relive Harry Potter. This means I have to read all seven books, again.
I thought about keeping this list to myself. I could have easily write it down on  a piece of paper and forget about it. And not tell anyone about it. That way, no one will know if did it or not. I decided to put this on my blog so you, my readers ( you know who you are ) will hold me accountable. And perhaps, putting this out there will motivate me to really do them. Of course, the above-mentioned items are not a matter of life and death. In the grand scheme of things, they are irrelevant.  I thought that the added pressure will come in handy when I start to procrastinate, which I'm fond of doing lately.

We'll see how this goes.

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

First-ever US travel---memorable.

I am superstitious. I guess I got that from my grandmother. I kept mum about my travel plans not because I don't want anyone to know about it. But because I care about it too much, I don't want it to be jinxed. I know, crazy, eh? Of course, my sister and Rhea knew about it. Anyway, when it was already set and finalized that I'd be going to New York, I could barely contain my excitement. The thing is, I'm good at downplaying something I deeply care about, to the point where I can be indifferent and nonchalant about it. Little did anyone know, that deep inside, I was singing "Welcome to New York" in my head.

"And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it." - Paulo Coelho

It was my first time to travel to the States all by myself. The days leading to it, I feel apprehensive. Not that I'm a negative person but I like to know beforehand what to do when things don't go as planned, which is always a bummer because plans do change and things can go wrong and you have to think on your feet and act fast on what to do next. As it turned out, I didn't count on our flight out of New York getting cancelled and me missing my return flight to Canada. Fortunately, things were resolved and I'm back home.
Oh, the places I get to go with them. Great times. 
My cousin, Socorro ( I call her Payen ) and her husband, Brian invited me to visit them, after I mentioned it to her that I already have my US visa. It was a mini-reunion for us,  cousins and met Brian for the first time. Bing2x, Payen's younger sister was also there. They made sure my first visit was a very memorable one. I had an awesome time and a great visit with them. Payen made this list of places we'll go to, both in New York and Chicago. A quick stop in Milwaukee was a bonus.

19 odd years ago, I got drunk for the first time. It made me cry like crazy. In between sobs, I told my late grandmother that we will go to New York. Doting as she was. she consoled me and said, "Hush now, yes, we will go to New York." I still remember that day and much more so when I finally set foot in New York for the first time. I like to think that my grandmother was there with me.
After a few messages on Facebook, this is what happened. :-)
New York was the highlight of my first US visit. Payen later told me that Brian has really prepared for it. He bought an app so it would be easier for us to navigate the streets of New York, without getting lost. After the first day, we felt like pros in using our Metrocard and maneuvering our way into the oftentimes crowded subway station and train.

This trip wouldn't be possible without the invite from my cousin and her husband. When I told her about my US visa, she was like, you should come, visit us. And the rest, I say, was an awesome  week in the States. I get to go places I only watched in the movies or TV. It was a seven days, filled with lots of walking and me, exclaiming "This is amazing!" or "This is awesome!" more than a few times.

People go to the States all the time. People go to New York. No big deal. But for me, it is more than that. Being able to go to the States, particularly in New York, has validated my belief that dreams do come true. And that,  patience counts. Yes, life  and being an adult can get in the way and dreams, sometimes are put in the back-burner. It took me almost 20 years to nurture my dream of going to New York and when it was finally realized, it was way beyond amazing. Of course, it also helps that "...all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it." I am  forever grateful.

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Tofino, revisited.

I don't go out unless I have to. So it's always a big deal for me when I do but I downplay my excitement to the point where, it seems like I don't care. Before I go on, let's get this thing straight, when I say "go out", it doesn't mean going to the malls. Walking in the mall is a torture for me so whenever we go there, I drag my feet and make this "tsk..tsk...tsk" sound when I get bored.

So when we decided to go to Tofino for a day, I was excited. Of course, my sister was more excited than I am. She had all these accouterments for spending a day at the beach stuffed in a bag, not to mention spending quite a long time on her make-up and all. Turned out it was cloudy and a bit chilly when we finally get there. My sister had to  slipped on a pair of jeans because she find it too cold to walk in her shorts. I laugh at her and head to the beach, while they follow closely behind.

Would have been a nicer view if it was sunny but the fact that I get to see this and hear the sound of the waves is amazing. :-)

There's never a shortage of photo-op session. :-)

Sunny or not, we still managed to enjoy the day. We had lunch  at a nearby park, then walked around for a bit before we decided to head back home. Rhea is a such a good sport to spend the day with us. I mean, my sister and I can be noisy and loud but I like to think, we're fun to be with. So anyway, we head back home. We stopped by Ucluelet, just to checked it out. My sister and I told Rhea that we haven't been there before, hence the short stop. 

Stopped by Chesterman Beach and enjoyed the sights and despite the gloomy surroundings, they still had fun and jump. :-)

I was a bit tired from sitting too long. I imagined Rhea would be too, since she was the one driving. I had a great time. I enjoyed being out and about, without the confines of cement walls ( I'm sure, my sister knows what I mean. )

I managed to scramble up on one of the rock formations and get a better view of the waves and feel the chilly air against my face. I was in the zone, until  I heard my sister called me to come down.

I can't say it was an unplanned trip to Tofino. We did plan it and it was a bummer when the day didn't turn out the way we want it to, weather-wise. All in all, it was a great day. Thanks to Rhea. :-)

Monday, February 1, 2016

Night life?...What night life?

I mentioned before how driving a car is by far, one of the most grown up thing I've ever done in my life. Showing up for work and staying till my shift is over is another grown up thing I'm doing right now.

I'm a morning person. I love to get up early, especially if I don't have to go anywhere. My grandmother used to tell me that it's best to get out of bed before the sun is up. Somehow, that idea stayed with me. I don't sleep in, unless I force myself to do so or if I'm really, really tired. I get up the same time everyday regardless of what time I go to bed the previous night.

When I start working, it's clear to me that I'll work a night shift eventually. It's inevitable. At first, I'm wary of doing it. I don't go out at night. I'm usually in bed by 10 or 11 at the latest. To stay awake the whole night is a stretch for me. And I find it hard and a struggle to nap during the day. So, why do it? Well, for starters, I'm a newbie so I need to build my seniority, that means picking up any shifts available, to accumulate hours ( of which, I am repeatedly told to do so!) Then there's the part of earning a living.

This I find to be true.

So anyway, I did get called to do a night shift. I'm sort of on call at three different places, so whoever calls me first, gets my undivided attention. I still find it strange to be driving at night to go to work, when I could have been in bed already. My brain has to adjust to the fact that I need to stay awake for the next eight hours. At this point, I try not to think about the scary movies I've watched before or else.

I'm not sure if I can call it a blessing to be able to work a night shift at three different places. But I think it's a rare thing, to be able to do so. Let's just say, it's a blessing then. :-)

I did a few nights in a hospital, where all I have to do is watch this particular patient sleep through the night. They call this a 1 to 1. So I sit on a chair and watch this patient. Occasionally they try to get out of bed so I have to tell them to go back to sleep or sometimes, they need to go to the bathroom. I have to assist them, make sure they don't fall. It wasn't a physically exhausting job but it felt like a torture, you know, sitting there, fighting off sleep. By the time I go for my break, I'm ready to crash and sleep.

On occasions, I do night shifts on a resident care facility. Usually when this happen,  I get called with a few hours to spare, to have a nap before I start at 11. With this one, I feel like, I and my co-workers are  always on the go, except during our breaks. Sometimes, I remind myself that I work in a resident facility for elderly people,  not on an assembly line of a factory, with dubious nature. After my 8-hour shift, I drive home exhausted and ready for bed.

I did a stint of straight five night shifts at another resident care facility. I work with a partner and we take turns in taking our breaks. We do rounds and make sure every resident is in bed and check if they're still breathing and all. There's really no time to be sleepy, in between doing paperwork and answering an occasional call bell. On a busy night, two or more call bells will ring at the same time. On top of that, a bed alarm goes off, which means that someone is trying to get out of bed. I pray that this won't happen  when my partner is on her/his break. By the time four o'clock roll around, my eyes feel heavy and I could have fallen asleep if I close them, even for like a few seconds.

Exactly, until I realized that I still have a couple more nights to do.

What I'm trying to say is that wherever I work a night shift, it all boils down to the same thing, I am sleep-deprived but I also get paid more. ( Which I think doesn't really matter when I look at the deductions reflected on my paycheck. ) People who choose to work at night have different reasons for doing so. As for me, I haven't thought about it until now. A few years ago, I wouldn't have imagine myself staying up the whole night to work.

When someone asked me what I think about working nights, I replied that, "It's alright, besides I don't have to deal with a lot of people." It's true, by the way. I mean, the part about not dealing with a lot of people.  I'm not saying that I dislike people. The thing is, there is blissful silence at night, except for the hum of the radiator or the sound of the call bell. I'm spared from having to make small talk. Of course, I do talk. I have to convey information to the nurse or to my co-worker. I also has to communicate with residents. But that's about it. One day, while in the staff room, one co-worker said to me, "You're so quiet, I don't know anything about you." I looked at her, smiled and continued on with my lunch. But in my mind, I was like, "You're not supposed to know anything about me. I'm just here to work." 

So, there you go. The story of my night life.

Friday, November 27, 2015

Musings on my birthday... so, this is 39.

It's  that time of the year, again. And no, I'm not talking about Christmas. It's still too far ahead to talk about, mind you. Although I started seeing ads on TV about the holidays and all. The pressing matter at hand is that we're towards the end with the month of November. And it so happened that it's my birth month. I don't  usually get excited about my birthday. Growing up, my family didn't celebrate birthdays. It's like, so you're a year older, big deal. The only thing we did or was expected of us, was go to church and lit some candles. I even have to remind my mother that it's my birthday.

For some people, turning a year older is something they don't look forward to. I mean,who wants to get old? If we can get away with it, we'd rather stay forever young.

"Let us never know what old age is. Let us know the happiness time brings, not count the years."- Ausonius

As the years passed, I started to have this feeling of excitement and anticipation when my birthday comes up. Turning a year older is an opportunity I gladly embrace with gratitude. I don't really think about my age because it's just a number. Besides, I can still get away with not looking it. Proof of that, just recently, I went to my favorite store ( as my sister calls it ). After I grab a bottle of my favorite white wine and a pack of Smirnoff Ice vodka, I walk over to the till to pay. The guy, in the counter, while helping another customer, look at me. "Can I see some ID, young lady?" were his first words when I placed my stuff in front of him. I fiddled with my wallet and took out my driver's license and handed it to him. The cashier took a close look at it to check my date of birth, I assumed. I assured him that I'm old. And he was like, does this happen to you all the time. I hesitated and replied, "Sometimes." "Always", my sister piped in.

I'm thankful that I'm here for another year. To still get to do the things I love and to be with the people I care about is the best gift I'll ever have. Sure, I pine  for things and what not, I'm human after all. I used to write a "shameless plug" weeks before my birthday solely for my sister's benefit. So she wouldn't have a hard time in deciding what to get me for my birthday. But eventually,  I got tired of doing it. The main thing is I'm still around.

"I'm just so grateful, because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive. I'm enough."- Brene Brown

I don't feel any different. I know, 39 seemed like pretty old. Like you're expected to be married and have children. When I get asked how old I am and if I'm married and have children, I politely replied "No" to both questions. And always my answers would draw more follow-up questions, most common is "why?".  Last year, I went back home for a short visit, a friend told me that I've changed. I was like, no, I didn't. I don't know exactly what she meant by it because I'm still the same person as before. Perhaps I have change in some ways but only to adapt myself to where I am right now. I'm still the same person who don't  say much unless there's a purpose or point in a conversation. I still believe in being on time and not keep people waiting, like I'm some VIP.

Its funny how people try to pin you down in to a  category or something. And if they can't figure you out, they'll tell you what to do. I've been told to "color your hair" or  "go out and met people" or talk.  I get that I'm different and probably for some, weird. To the few people who accepts and tolerates my quirks, thank you. :-)

Before I end this post, allow me to share my hopes for the years to come. So here goes...
  •  Good health for my family and friends. 
  •  The means and willingness to provide for my family. ( because "You don't love your family because they're kind and considerate. You love them because they're your family." - Fall of Giants  )
  •   To be always grateful.
  •   To "don't sweat the small stuff" 
  •   To run again. I'm hoping I can run another marathon before I reach 40. 
  •   My jar of coins to fill up so I can go to New York.

Thank you for all the birthday wishes. :-)

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Living with my sister-- the story of our life.

My sister and I come from a big family. There's always noise and chaos. Disagreements and fights were the norm. We practically grew up together. The only time we were apart was when I moved to another city to go to  school. And when she moved to Canada. As luck would have it, four years later, I followed her. I like to think that we're meant to be together in a strange and foreign country. At first, we lived in different places  and only get to hang out during our days off. Back then, we always had this plan to get our own place and live together.

"It's hard to be responsible, adult and sensible all the time. How good it is to have a sister  whose heart is as young as your own." - Pam Brown

Since I moved in with my sister, I have been relegated to certain chores. Of course, we don't need to put it down on paper because we're adults now. I mean, how hard that can be. I am assigned to take out the garbage every week, which I do diligently. The only time my sister has to do it is when I'm not around. I'm responsible for cleaning up after her when she  makes a mess in the kitchen while she cooks. Frankly, I don't mind doing the dishes because I like to do it. Besides, I can't stand dirty stuff left on the kitchen sink for too long. The only downside to this is I get "obsessed" ( as she calls it ) with cleaning up after her, that one time, while she was busy cooking something, I washed a spoon or a dish, only to realized that she still has to used it. She was annoyed and told me to go sit on the couch and watched TV. Like I was an errant child.

My sister and I are opposites. I think it's one of the reasons we get along fine.
I learned how to use a hammer and a screwdriver, not that they're hard to learn. Over the course of a few months, I managed to assemble our tiny dining set ( you know, table and chairs ) and a TV stand, while my sister stood by and gave me directions, from time to time. It took a lot of effort and patience on my part to read the diagram on the small piece of paper that came with all the parts. I blurted a few expletives when I screwed a part the wrong way and had to take them apart again. Fortunately, our friend, Rhea was there to help. If it was just me and my sister, we probably end up punching each other. But I have to say this,  I was quite happy with myself, when I looked at the assembled TV stand and dining set.

"Of two sisters one is always the watcher, one the dancer." - Louise Gluck
We make compromises when we decided to live together. We don't always agree on things. I make it a point to go to bed early especially if I have to work the next day, while my sister on the other hand, like to stay up late, even if she has to get up early the next day. I'm a morning person. I love to get up when its still dark outside ( especially if I don't have to go to work ) and sit in my corner, with a book and coffee. This does not escape my sister's attention and she told me more than once that I'm insane.

My sister and I are different as night and day. She is sophisticated and fashionable dressed, most of the time, while I on the other hand, is the exact opposite. We don't have the perfect relationship. We both have shortcomings and make mistakes. We argue sometimes, about anything---from her taking too long to put on make-up to my unusual ( according to her ) rule of being at work half an hour early. I'm sure she gets angry at me, as I do with her. But the thing is, we don't hold a grudge. And most of the time, we just laugh off at anything, that may have previously annoy us.

Living with my sister may have its ups and downs. But so far, so good. :-)

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

One fine weekend in Tofino.

I rarely go anywhere without my sister. Not that we are inseparable.  So it comes  as a surprise to her and even to me, when I find myself in the company of other people. One day, Rhea asked me if I'd like to tag along with her to Tofino. I was like, sure why not.

I had a grand time to say the least. It was one of the best weekend I've had. The weather was perfect and the place was extraordinary. I felt relaxed and laid-back. I managed to linger in bed for two mornings without being in a hurry to get going. It felt good to just lay there, buried under the sheets and stared at the low ceiling and watched the sunlight stream into the windows. I told myself, I wish I can stay forever.

I get to walk on Chesterman Beach which was really amazing. I like to come back and perhaps by that time, I get to run barefoot on the sand. :-)

To hear the sound of the waves is music to my ears. I was transported back home.

The first time I went to Tofino was with my sister, which was like, five years ago. We never really get to walk around, especially on the beach. We just thought we'd check out the place. So when I got the invite, its hard not to say yes. 

I've been meaning to write about that amazing weekend but something always came up and I end up doing nothing. Then one day, I find myself, going over the photos I took that time, so here goes...

The feeling after an ( unplanned ) weekend getaway. :-)

Thursday, October 15, 2015

Thoughts on driving.

Come to think of it, driving my own car, was never one of my biggest  dreams. Although I remembered a few years ago, I made this scrapbook page of a cut-out picture of a car and a cut-out picture  of myself, beside it. I don't know if that was a sign of things to come. And I wrote a post about buying my own car if I have a million dollars. Needless to say, I don't have a million dollars but I still get to drive my own car.

Again as I've mentioned in a previous post, driving is by far, one of the most responsible and grown-up thing, I've ever done in my life. I think to those of you who drive,  you know what I mean. Driving requires all your attention and presence of mind. I find that you can't drive when you're angry or pissed off at someone or something.

Music keeps me company on those long drives, when I'm all by myself. 

I've been driving for the past few months. My sister and I decided to get our own car. She made a comment that its about time. Of course, I'm not saying that we can't live without one. In fact, we manage to get by without our own vehicle for the past few years. Fortunately, we have friends that gave us a ride when we need to go somewhere not accessible by public transport.

I find that driving at night is no easy task. The lights from incoming traffic is hard on my eyes. And then there's the issue of the lights coming from cars behind me. Driving at night is a lot different than driving during the daytime. So if I can get away from it, I'd gladly do so. But with my work, I have to drive at night so I have no choice. Driving in the rain is not a favorite either. I find the wipers, swinging up and down, distracting. The first time I get to drive in the rain was when I got off from night shift so I was worried that I might be too tired to stay awake. On the contrary, I was more wide awake than ever. Driving along speeding cars on the highway was an instant pick-me-up.

I have yet to drive in winter conditions so I can't say anything about it. It's something I don't look forward to. I've heard stories about accidents on the road during winter. But then again, accidents happen anytime of the year.

I don't drive just for the sake of driving. Although, I like the independence it gives me and it serves the purpose of getting me to places that I need to be. Mostly, at work. But if I can, I'd rather be on the passenger side,  listen to music and be alone with my own thoughts.

Friday, August 21, 2015

A big kid's tale.

Life begins at 40. Or so they say. If that's the case, then I have to wait a year or so. God willing, I'll live that long. Not that I worry about getting older or about my age.

From what I gather along the way, life began when I decided to "grow up". And I don't mean just physically, because in this part, I don't get to decide. Life began when I realize that even if I don't have the life I imagine or dream of, it's not the end of the world for me. That whenever I'm dealt with the wrong cards, it doesn't mean that life is not fair. To be a grown up means having the courage to own up my mistakes and take responsibility for my actions. That whenever I face hardships, it is okay to feel frustrated  and feel like throwing in the towel but still find ways to forge ahead. All of these is part of being alive. Life will be so boring if it's just easy all the time.

I believe life is made unpredictable and mysterious, not to mention difficult at times, in order for me to learn valuable lessons that may come useful and handy, when the going gets rough.  As the saying goes, "what doesn't kill you, will make you stronger". Or something like that.

"When the wind of change blows, some build walls while others build windmills." - Chinese proverb

Change is inevitable and the only constant in life. Like it or not, I encounter and have to deal with a lot of changes in my life. Sometimes, I met them with trepidation and fear. Fear of the unknown is undeniable. And whenever I wallow in fear for too long, I make up excuses to rationalize my inaction and hesitation.

It has been five years now, when I first arrived in Canada. Life is pretty laid-back and I think I have adjusted to my new life here. In those five years a lot has happened and changed for me. I learned to be more thankful even if sometimes things don't turn out the way I want them to be. Life in a foreign country is not that grand as what others purported it to be. Sure, it is a far cry from what I had back home but there are also a lot of ironies that I have to contend with. Being away from my family and all things familiar is a compromise. But I'm grateful for the exceptionally wonderful, kind and generous people I've met whom made me feel welcome and well-taken care of. They made my life here easier.

"Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom." - Marcel Proust

If there's one thing I can take away from the past five years, it is this---I never really fully understand the meaning of being responsible until now. Yes, it's easy for me to say I'm responsible. I mean, I follow the traffic rules and all. I pay my taxes. But frankly, it was only a few months ago that it started to sink in, ---what it really means to be a responsible adult. I never felt more responsible and be present in the moment, than when I'm behind the wheel.  It's the most grown up thing I've ever done, so far. I drink on occasions. But since I started driving, I make it a point to only imbibe alcohol when I am absolutely sure that I won't be going out.

Showing up for work, with a decent amount of sleep and a "let's get this party started" attitude is another thing. Yes, there are days when I wish I'm somewhere else rather than at work. But that's about it. One day, while driving from work to go to the next one, I thought about the bible verse "No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other." In my case, I have more than two masters (  and I'm not just talking about work ). Lately, I have this feeling that I'm trapped.  And oftentimes, I've been told that I'm too serious. I can't say I'm crazy about what I do but I'm always thankful for it because it gives me a sense of purpose. Besides, getting paid, it allows me to be with people and interact with them.

To be a sensible and responsible adult is hard work in itself. So in the odd times that I get bogged down and frustrated with the vagaries of adult life, I try to think about this phrase, "this too shall pass" and escape to my world, with books and music. And perhaps, have a drink or two. With coffee, I usually have three. :-)

Saturday, July 11, 2015

If I were a boy, the perks of being "not really a girl".

I can hear the wheels turning in your head. "Finally, she's coming out." But I hate to disappoint you, I'm not coming out from anywhere. As far as I'm concerned, I'm not hiding. Lately, I've been thinking about a lot of things and more so because I have free time on my hands. Actually, I should be doing something else, aside from zoning out but I always procrastinate. The inclination to write is heightened when I'm at this state. But  I do go to work so the aforementioned "free time" on my hands is not always the case.

Now back to my post. As long I can remember, I never really like to wear a dress. And by dress, I mean, the kind made with frilly or soft stuff or something that cling to your body. Or worse, the kind that hinders free movement. Growing up, a shirt and knee-high pants were always my go-to attire.  I have no explanation and I don't think I owe anyone, as to why I'd rather wear jeans, a t-shirt and a pair of runners than a dress or something. I can't be bothered with make-up , fashion or dressing up. It annoys me when I go to the mall with my sister because she'd spend hours there to look for clothes and what not. And one time, while we were in a store, I told her that I feel out of place and she gave me a look that said "Oh my, here we go again." A shower and a change of clean clothes is good enough for me. I don't spend a lot of time going over what to wear because its mainly jeans and t-shirt, except during colder months. I don't agonize over how my hair looks like ( well, it's always in a ponytail anyway and lately, I think about cutting it short so I don't have to worry about combing it ).
"Look at me, I will never pass for a perfect bride
 Or a perfect daughter.
 Can it be, I'm not meant to play this part?
 Now I see, that if I were truly to be myself
 I would break my family's heart...." - Mulan

It's a huge relief that I don't have lots of friends so I don't get invites to parties or get-together. That way, I don't need to dress up. Besides, parties and get-togethers are not my thing. I do like to smell good, if that's any consolation. When I complained to my sister about how she spend hours "painting" her face or "ironing" her hair and letting me wait like forever, it seems, she always give me this retort, "You don't understand because you're not a girl."

Apparently, based on my experience, if a girl does not dress or move around like the rest of the female species, she's bound to be labeled as something else. We have different words for it in our dialect and now when I think of it, they sound derogatory and mocking. I had my share of embarrassing incidents, when I was mistaken for a boy or someone's younger brother, especially when I used to sport a crop haircut. The story of my life.

As for relationships, I don't have any. I think that fueled the speculation about me leaning more toward the same team. Someone even asked me if I'm attracted to guys, I'm like, yes I do. But it doesn't mean that I want to hang out with them or spend the rest of my life with them. I don't go out of my way to meet them because I don't want to.

I came from a culture that sort of classify women, when they get to a certain age, to "settle down" and have a family. The "settle down" and "have a family" part has never really entered my mind. I don't hear my biological clock ticking. ( And for someone. who is asked for identification, from time to time, when I go to buy something from a liquor store, I guess I can get away with not hearing my biological clock ticking. )

Just so you know, I'm not against relationship or marriage. I know a few people who are married and have children. They're happy.  But I know early on, that being in a relationship or getting married, for that matter, is not for me. I am selfish when it comes to my time. I'm not willing to compromise.

This is my stand now, but who knows, a few years down the road, something get loosely unscrewed in my brain, then all of a sudden, I change my mind. ( God forbid .) In the meantime, I enjoy and make the most of what I have right now. And be "irresponsible" once in a while.

Yes, I mentioned about  perks. Well, here's one, I get to buy more pairs of runners. Go figure.

Saturday, June 6, 2015

What dreams may come?

Ah, dreams. I used it carelessly or interchangeably with the word "goals". I have dreams.  One day, while I drive home from work, I remembered something a friend told me on Facebook, she said about my dream coming true, finally driving my own car.

"Life has a way of testing a person's will, either by having nothing happen at all or by having everything happen at once." - Paulo Coelho

When I was in Grade six I remembered telling my family that I want to be an astronaut when I grow up. This unexpected announcement was met by curious nods and looks, as if to say, "Let the child be. She doesn't know better." In high school, after having been introduced to the world of Ariel in the "Little Mermaid", I decided that I want to be a Walt Disney animator when I grow up. I mean, what's not to love about cartoons, or Winnie the Pooh, for that matter.

Then I went to university and reality starts to creep in. I have a bachelor's degree in accounting but never really get to used it. I tried and failed to pass the board examinations  to become a certified public accountant. As what my aunt told me, when a door closes, another one will open. True enough, one did and I had no qualms barging into it.

"When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it." - Paulo Coelho 

Years later, I found myself doing something altogether different. My dreams disappear in the midst of the craziness and mind-boggling reality of daily life. It turns out there are other important things  that carries more weight than my dreams. Yes, I still watch cartoons. And sometimes, I still wonder what it feels like to be in outer space, especially after I watched the movie "Gravity". But that's about it.

I did grow up and I realized that things change. And its up to me to keep up with it. Someone asked if I like what I do. In response, I said that it's not about liking it or not. It's more about accepting the fact that I made the decision to do it. The least I can do is make the most out of it.

As for driving a car, it is AMAZING.

Thursday, May 28, 2015

I lived, thankfully.

"One often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it." - Master Oogway ( Kung Fu Panda )


"You cannot swim for new horizons until you have courage to lose sight of the shore." - William Faulkner

Saturday, October 11, 2014

In everything, give thanks. And be okay.

"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for." - Epicurus

I find it easy to feel grateful  and say thanks, when things go according to my plans. When everything falls into place and I'm left with this wonderful feeling that life is good. The real challenge is when things take a turn for the worse and giving thanks is the last thing on my mind. When this happen, I'm more inclined to feel angry and frustrated. And sometimes, indulge in pity party, which is not a good idea. It takes a conscious effort on my part to see past all the negative feelings and look at the bigger picture.

"I've started to look at life differently. When you're thanking God for every little you - every meal, every time you wake up, every time you take a sip of water - you can't help but be more thankful for life itself, for the unlikely and miraculous fact that you exist at all." - A. J. Jacobs

Things happen for a reason so I've heard. Life won't always be easy and there are things I can't control no matter what. Still, I have a lot to be thankful in my life.

The chance to see this view is reason enough to be thankful.  Just proves I get to live another day. :-)

H A P P Y   T H A N K S G I V I N G !!!

Saturday, September 27, 2014

I'm quiet and perfectly fine with it.

I read a chapter about Psychiatry and I'm relieved to learn that being an introvert is not a personality disorder. I've read a few articles about introversion online and I find that some of the things introverts do at great length to avoid people or recharge their batteries are quite funny. I'm not at the point yet, where I have to hide in the bathroom just to avoid talking to anyone. The first time I've heard the word introvert was, I think when I was in high school. Back then, it sounded odd to me and sort of reinforced my deep-seated suspicion that there must be something psychologically wrong with me. As a kid, I was not the type that needed to be always around with other kids, to be entertained. I used to play with these paper cut-outs of people (which I made myself ) and created a monologue while I play with them. One day, when my grandmother heard me talking to myself, it prompted serious concern from her. She must have thought I was going cuckoo. At her behest, my mother kept a close watch on me for a day and when she was satisfied that I’m perfectly sane, they left me alone. 

 I often wonder why I can’t just be like others who seem to have always something to say about everything there is. Growing up, I was told that I’m shy and have no people skills or personality and that I wouldn't amount to anything. Like, how I’m supposed to get anywhere if I don’t know how to talk to people. One time, when I used to live in a dormitory, one of the girls made a comment that I am autistic. Of course, she didn't say it to my face.  I wondered what made her come up with that remark, then I realized  later on, that it was because I don't hang out with their group and make small talk. On another occasion, I was told I'm anti-social, for the same reason. 

I used to be bothered when I heard comments about me being shy or quiet. I feel uncomfortable when attention is directed at me. Sometimes, I wish I'm invisible, so then no one will notice me and I'm spared from replying to questions like, "Why are you so quiet?" or "Are you okay?" Early on, I know I'm different. Not weird different, just different. And I'm okay with it. But the thing is, I have to be out there so I need to adjust and compromise, when necessary.

"Don't underestimate me because I'm quiet. I know more than I say, think more than I speak and observe more than you know." - Michaela Chung

For some reasons, I do try to fit in. But I can’t just bring myself to talk just for the sake of talking. I prefer to observe and listen. And I can be a good sounding board too. But just because I'm quiet doesn't mean I don't know how to talk or don't want to talk. Given the right topics, probably I'd talk for hours until someone will tell me to shut up. 

Being around with a lot of people is an ordeal for me. Not that I dislike people per se, it’s just that after a while, they become too loud and noisy. And it tires me out.  It’s for this reason that it only takes half an hour max before I start to fidget and complain to my sister, whenever we’re in the mall. And almost always, she tells me to go find a place where I can have coffee and sit, while I wait for her.

"What a commentary on our civilization, when being alone is considered suspect; when one has to apologize for it, make excuses, hide the fact that one practices it like a secret vice!"- Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Some people think that if you’re quiet, it’s either because you’re dumb or shy or whatever word they can come up with. Or socially inept. I don't really think that I'm quiet. I mean, it's not something I put on or take off, like a piece of clothing. Or some sort of mechanism that I can switch on or off. It's part of me. It is me. To pretend otherwise is pointless and detrimental to my well-being. 

Yes, I like to be alone, most of the time and do whatever it is I love doing, like read a book or do the crossword or watch TV. But from time to time, I like some company too. I don't mind hanging out with my sister ( which we don't get to do much ) even if we always end up at the mall because its her "favorite" place. Or go for a hike with Rita and Janet. Or go to the book club meeting. ( Its like killing two birds with one stone, socialize and talk about books. Or should I say, four birds, counting the wine and all the food.)

So anyway, in the off-chance that you see me, staring out into space or have this zoned out look in my face, pay it no mind because I do it often. There's just a lot of stuff going on in my head. And it's just me, being me. :-)

Wednesday, September 10, 2014


I don't usually write my thoughts about a book I've just read. But I made an exception for Philomena. As much as possible, I try to keep an open mind  when I read a book, recommended or suggested by someone. The book club gives me the opportunity to read books that otherwise I won't read or even hear of. Its great that Rita loves to read too and don't mind taking me along to their book club meetings. And the ladies are nice.

Reading "Philomena" stirred emotions in me that I haven't thought about in a long time. It touches on the subject of religion, for one. I am a non-practicing Roman Catholic but I was raised as one. I remember the times when I reluctantly went with my grandmother to hear mass on Sundays at four in the morning. I'd sit there in church, half-asleep and didn't really understand what was going on. I grew up on talks about eternity in hell if I commit sins. Later on, as I got older, I started to ask questions and refused to go to church. At some point, probably out of exasperation, my grandmother called me a heathen. I was sure I disappointed her but I know that she doted on me till the day she passed away. I also have had first-hand experience with nuns. I went to a Catholic school in my secondary years. And during my first year in university, I lived in a dormitory run by nuns. While I was there, I did crazy stuff, like hide under my bed when it was time to say the rosary. I even come close to being kick out from the dormitory because I got drunk. But I didn't feel bad that I break the rules, I was more embarrassed when my father had to come and had a talk with one of the nuns. When I think about it now, all I can say is that, things back then were not really what they purport to be. And belief in God is not just about going to church.
Babies born out of wedlock is not  foreign to me. I have three younger sisters who got pregnant and they never heard from the guys again. My nieces and nephews don't know their fathers. When I first learned about my sisters' predicament, I was angry at them for being stupid. Then, the babies came. I realized that I could not be mad at them too and act as if I don't care. It wasn't the babies fault and they didn't ask for it. Sure, another mouth to fed put more strain on our family's meager resources, but to abandon the babies was not an option. My sisters were lucky, they didn't have to go through what Philomena did.  A few months ago, I had the chance to go home for a short visit and I was amazed at how my nieces and nephews have grown, in the past four years I was away. Amid the chaos and noise in our big family, I know they'll be fine. I think we made the right decision to keep them, besides it would break my mother's heart if they were taken away.

I can relate to Mike's need to belong and have the affirmation from the people he cares about. Sometimes, I wonder if I do things just to be in good terms with my family. That if I do something contrary to what they expect of me, I'll disappoint them. Fortunately, my mother never pressured me to do something I don't like. She told me once, that she knows I'll always do the right thing. And I try to.

Anyway, I like to read books that make me think. And Philomena is one of them. It made me think. Probably way too much, I end up writing this post.