After four failed attempts, I finally realized I'm not cut out to become a member of my chosen profession. Since I was so caught up with the notion of not giving up, I pursued my goal of becoming a CPA, four times. In my third attempt, I cried in frustration, when I learned that I was only a few points shy of making the passing grade. Determined to make it, I reviewed again and took the exam for the fourth time. I studied like crazy. I prayed hard. I took the exam again. I failed. By this time, I had gathered enough sense to accept whatever was the outcome. Praying helped too. When I saw my grades, and the word "FAILED" at the bottom, I was no longer that affected. I did not cry anymore. Finally, I was able to let go.
True intentions count.
On any given day, I sometimes wonder, why I was so determined at that time to become a CPA. Of course, the reasons were obvious. I wanted recognition.I wanted to have the initials, CPA, after my name. Isn't that great.? At the back of my mind, I wanted to prove to some people that I'm smart and all. And on the side, I wanted for my parents ( especially for my father) to say to others that " Hey, my daughter is a CPA." I wanted them to be proud of me.
It never occurred to me ( but only in the end) that I was chasing this goal for all the wrong reasons. The thought of "how cool it is to be a CPA and all" fueled me to review again and again and I failed miserably. I filled my mind with all sorts of ideas that somehow validated my strong desire to become someone else.
I can not haggle with God.
I attended mass every Sundays and other feast days, as designated by the church. I prayed the rosary. I prayed novenas. In the end, it did not work out. How can I expect it to work, when all along, I was just doing all those things because I wanted something from Him. I was thinking that since I was making all these "sacrifices", He will answer my prayer and grant my fervent desire to pass the board. I was so wrong.
For a while after my third try, I did not went to church, not because I was angry at Him, but because I was so embarrassed, when I realized later on, what I just did. During the time I was preparing for the exam ( for the fourth time), I still prayed to Him, minus the haggling. I asked Him that if it's His will for me become a CPA then I will become one and I added that, if after this fourth try, I will not make it, He will grant me peace of mind to accept it and let go.
The answer is immediate.
Acceptance is bliss.
At first, I had a hard time reconciling the fact that I failed in this exam four times. I mean, was I really that dumb or something? After number four, it did not take long for me to face the fact that I failed again. I was ready for anything. My aunt wrote me a letter, saying that, maybe it's not meant for me.
Somehow, accepting it, finally help me to move on to other things. I learned that, just because I failed in some areas of my life, does not necessarily mean that I am doomed to fail forever.
God really works in mysterious ways.
Looking back, I came to terms with what has happened ( with regards to my wanting to become a CPA ). I used to tell my aunt, how come things I hope for are always out of reach, but those things I don't care much, find its way to me. As the saying goes, "You can't have your cake and eat it too."
Letting go has open up my mind and let me see things in a whole new way. I learned to leave it all up to Him. What I plan is just a plan. In the end, He will always be the one to call the shots.
long overdue goodbye
P.S. So what brought this on? Well, I was going over my stuff, and I was faced with all my books and reviewers ( related to Accounting). I gather it's time to say goodbye to them, once and for all.
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