If I were a boy, the perks of being "not really a girl".

I can hear the wheels turning in your head. "Finally, she's coming out." But I hate to disappoint you, I'm not coming out from anywhere. As far as I'm concerned, I'm not hiding. Lately, I've been thinking about a lot of things and more so because I have free time on my hands. Actually, I should be doing something else, aside from zoning out but I always procrastinate. The inclination to write is heightened when I'm at this state. But  I do go to work so the aforementioned "free time" on my hands is not always the case.

Now back to my post. As long I can remember, I never really like to wear a dress. And by dress, I mean, the kind made with frilly or soft stuff or something that cling to your body. Or worse, the kind that hinders free movement. Growing up, a shirt and knee-high pants were always my go-to attire.  I have no explanation and I don't think I owe anyone, as to why I'd rather wear jeans, a t-shirt and a pair of runners than a dress or something. I can't be bothered with make-up , fashion or dressing up. It annoys me when I go to the mall with my sister because she'd spend hours there to look for clothes and what not. And one time, while we were in a store, I told her that I feel out of place and she gave me a look that said "Oh my, here we go again." A shower and a change of clean clothes is good enough for me. I don't spend a lot of time going over what to wear because its mainly jeans and t-shirt, except during colder months. I don't agonize over how my hair looks like ( well, it's always in a ponytail anyway and lately, I think about cutting it short so I don't have to worry about combing it ).

"Look at me, I will never pass for a perfect bride

 Or a perfect daughter.

 Can it be, I'm not meant to play this part?

 Now I see, that if I were truly to be myself

 I would break my family's heart...." - Mulan

It's a huge relief that I don't have lots of friends so I don't get invites to parties or get-together. That way, I don't need to dress up. Besides, parties and get-togethers are not my thing. I do like to smell good, if that's any consolation. When I complained to my sister about how she spend hours "painting" her face or "ironing" her hair and letting me wait like forever, it seems, she always give me this retort, "You don't understand because you're not a girl."

Apparently, based on my experience, if a girl does not dress or move around like the rest of the female species, she's bound to be labeled as something else. We have different words for it in our dialect and now when I think of it, they sound derogatory and mocking. I had my share of embarrassing incidents, when I was mistaken for a boy or someone's younger brother, especially when I used to sport a crop haircut. The story of my life.

As for relationships, I don't have any. I think that fueled the speculation about me leaning more toward the same team. Someone even asked me if I'm attracted to guys, I'm like, yes I do. But it doesn't mean that I want to hang out with them or spend the rest of my life with them. I don't go out of my way to meet them because I don't want to.

I came from a culture that sort of classify women, when they get to a certain age, to "settle down" and have a family. The "settle down" and "have a family" part has never really entered my mind. I don't hear my biological clock ticking. ( And for someone. who is asked for identification, from time to time, when I go to buy something from a liquor store, I guess I can get away with not hearing my biological clock ticking. )

Just so you know, I'm not against relationship or marriage. I know a few people who are married and have children. They're happy.  But I know early on, that being in a relationship or getting married, for that matter, is not for me. I am selfish when it comes to my time. I'm not willing to compromise.

This is my stand now, but who knows, a few years down the road, something get loosely unscrewed in my brain, then all of a sudden, I change my mind. ( God forbid .) In the meantime, I enjoy and make the most of what I have right now. And be "irresponsible" once in a while.

Yes, I mentioned about  perks. Well, here's one, I get to buy more pairs of runners. Go figure.