Be alright. So, this is how it feels like.

The dust has settled. It has been months since I was diagnosed with cancer but it felt like a lifetime already. I have started chemo. I have adjusted, in a way, to my new life now. A life that is limited to doctor's appointments, cancer clinic visits, visits to the hospital for blood work and various test. A life that is now filled with uncertainty. I'm still not sure if I have accepted it yet. I do miss my old life--the life without cancer and full of possibilities. I miss going to work. I miss my hair.

I have tried to find meaning in my situation but I can't think of any. Because there's no meaning to it. I have cancer and eventually, will die.

I was at the point in my life where I thought everything was going well. Then the cancer blindsided me and everything changed. I feel like I'm put through the wringer every day. I lost a part of myself I can never get back. I feel like I'm holding my breath for whatever setback that comes my way while undergoing chemo.

Sometimes. it's hard to feel grateful. I'm more inclined to anger. But it's hard to ignore those moments that tells me that despite my situation, I still have a lot of things to be thankful for.

Every morning when I stir in bed, the remnants of sleep still in my eyes and I hear the birds outside, I say a silent thanks to God, for allowing me to still wake up and get to live another day. I'm thankful that I can still see the sunrise, if only from our kitchen window.

Always my favorite time of the day.

I'm thankful that my sister is here with me. She has front row seat on what I have to endure on chemo day and what it does to me in the days following. We both didn't sign up for this. I used to tell myself that I'm fine on my own, but on chemo day, I'm sure glad that she always accompany me.

I'm thankful for the prayers and healing thoughts that family, friends and acquaintances send my way.

I'm thankful that I have access to the public library---that I can get hold of great books that I want to read. I tell you, reading a good book ( especially a page-turner) is one way to keep your mind off things.

I'm thankful for the nurse, at the cancer clinic, who always fix my IV, with only just one poke. I guess, I'm always squeamish about needles. And I will always be scared of them.

I'm thankful for cable TV and Netflix ( especially grateful for the people, who let me use their Netflix accounts).

I'm thankful that I still laugh at some mundane joke, even if sometimes, my sister don't get it.

I've been told about miracles and all. The fact that I'm still here is a miracle. So, I really can't begrudge God because I have cancer and if He choose not to throw a miracle my way.

So, what I've been up to, you might ask? Nothing much, really. My previous  CT scan  showed that the cancer has not responded to the previous 3 cycles of chemo I had. So, the hair loss and icky feeling was all for naught. And I'm back to square one. I started a new protocol and it hit me hard. Nausea and vomiting are a common thing now. I don't feel like myself during chemo day and 3-4 days after. My appetite is shot and water tastes like crap. Its during this time, that I ask myself, if going through all this, is worth it. Then a week later, I feel okay again, that is, until the next chemo day.

I have started scrap booking. For some reason, it keeps me occupied and frees my mind from thinking about stuff. Besides, I want to finish whatever I have started while I still can.

Recently, I had to go to the ER to have a chest tube thoracostomy due to pneumothorax. My latest CT scan showed that my left lung has collapsed and wasn't really doing anything for me. Hence, the procedure. I was reluctant to go and even negotiated with my oncologist of not going to the ER right away. Anything to do with needles and such is uncomfortable for me, and sometimes, painful. For the first time, the thought of running away, entered my mind. But eventually, I went to the ER and acted like a normal adult. I'm thankful that my sister, Mama and Rhea are with me. I have this fear of going to the hospital---that I won't come out again, alive. I plan to hang around ( God willing ) for as long as I can.

I have made funeral arrangements for myself. So when the inevitable happens, my sister will not be left alone, to deal with the details.

Anyway, a lot has change for me but at the same time, some has not. I still get in trouble when I speak my mind. I get dismiss as being "negative"  or "you watch too much TV" when I voiced  out  my concerns. Sometimes, I wonder when people tells me to be strong or to be positive, are they in tune with reality. Or they're just being polite or something. But its fine with me, besides I don't mind at all, if I'm proven wrong.

On my good days, I still do what I love to do---read, watch TV, listen to music, work on my scrapbook, do "experiments" in the kitchen (when I feel up to it ) and just hang out. I try to live each day, the best I can.

I have no idea as to what the next few days or months has in store for me. Each day that I'm still around is a good enough reason to be grateful, even if I'm not doing anything special. I look forward to fall, I find that I'm more comfortable with the colder weather. I look forward to the first snow day. I'm sure no one will agree with me on this. For most people, they'd rather it be summer the whole year. Not for me though.

So, that's it for now, until the next post. And, of course, when I have more stuff to write about.🙂