Confessions of a reluctant caregiver, in retrospect.

I had the chance to go over my blog one day, and came across  a post  I wrote four years ago. It was about my feelings and thoughts of working as a live-in caregiver. At that time, I was scared of being not up for the job and doing something wrong. I remembered crying after the first week in my first job because I was overwhelmed.

A lot has changed in four years. My fear of being not up for the task or making mistakes disappeared. Although not entirely, but I don't think so much about them anymore. Instead, I focused on doing my job well and think of ways to do it better.

I didn't plan on becoming a live-in caregiver. I had grand plans for myself, unfortunately, they didn't pan out. I guess they weren't meant to be. I didn't  realized that I'd be doing something far more remarkable.

The first time I met Nancy seemed like ages ago, when I think about it now. At that time, I felt anxious about starting a new job and all. She made me forget that. One thing I'd always remember is that, after we were introduced, I felt like I've met her before and have known her for a long time. She held onto my hand and gave me a smile. Right there and then, I knew that we're off to a good start and we'd get along fine. And we did. Besides, she reminded me a lot of my grandmother. Nancy was the first person to point it out to me that I'm a runner because I love to run. She worried about me getting cold and not having enough to eat. She told me, more than a few times, that  I'm part of the family.

I was away for a month to visit my family, so Nancy had to go to respite. I assured her that I will be back and that  time would just go by so fast, for the both of us. I came back and was happy to see her again. I'm sure she was happy to see me too. But a few days later, she died.  After that, the days went by in a blur. I'm sad and I feel lost. Whenever someone asked me how I'm doing, my usual reply of "I'm good." comes in handy. I'm not really sure if I do feel good though. But I try to. I know that death is an inevitable part of the human condition. I get that Nancy was 93 years old and had various ailments, that came with being old. But I wasn't prepared and was caught off-guard when she passed away. I always thought that we still have a few more years to hang out together.

I've been told how good I am with her. But the the thing is, it was a team effort. I wouldn't be able to do my job well if Nancy was not that good-natured and amiable. And easy to get along with. Through the course of time that I worked for her, sometimes, I felt like I was a drill sergeant, that went over our routines like clock work. Of course, I always tell her to feel free to say something if I get way out of line. But she always tells me that she had no complaints and assured me that everything I did was perfect.

It was a privilege to work for her. Aside from the financial aspect that came with the job, working for her has opened my eyes to the intricacies of being an elderly and what it feels like to be one. She showed me the importance of family and their support. But most of all, she made me feel that I belong and for once, I did something right and somehow, made a difference in her life.