What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas ( my take!! ).

Before I bore you with the minutiae  of my 2 day get-away in the Sin City, I'd take this opportunity to say "thank you" to the people who took the time to wish me a happy birthday. You all know who you are.

My sister, our friend, Rhea and I thought we'd go to Vegas and see what the hype is all about. Both of them have been there before, so I'm sure they already know what the hype is all about. As for me, I was in for a real treat or so I thought.

They always know how to "pose". :-)

Just to be clear, we didn't go to Vegas because it was my birthday. The days just happened to coincide. Nothing remarkable happened for me there. And after two days, I was tired, had a "tantrum" ( as they call it ) and ready to go home. I can't stand the crowd, the endless walking ( which is ironic because I love walking ) and the smell of cigarette smoke. And more than one occasion, I smelled MJ that made feel nauseous. I made a comment when I came across several people on the streets, chugging along these huge cans of beer and it wasn't even happy hour yet. My sister told me, "Sister, this is Vegas." I was like, yeah right.

My only reason in going there was to check out the place and hang out with them in a different location, for a change. I was excited because it was our first trip together, out of the country. So there's that. I tried to keep a straight face and be agreeable, through out the whole trip. I even manage to take photos and be in several of our selfies. The thing is I just can't kept to myself what I really feel, so I had a "tantrum" ( their term, when I speak my mind, which is not often ). Both of them were annoyed and probably angry at me, that prompted them to say something like "we're not going on a trip again, with you". I had no words to answer back.

One of our many selfies. :-)

In retrospect,  I should have been more pleasant and agreeable to them. I should have followed their lead and acted like a normal person in Vegas. But what's done is done. I have no plans of going back there. Las Vegas did not evoke feelings of "I'm happy to be here !" in me. Instead, it was more like "So this is Vegas, can I go home now?"  Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful to see Las Vegas. And I'm thankful that my sister and Rhea were patient enough to put up with me. They still have a good time ( I hope ! ) in spite my being the Grinch in their background. They both get along fine, especially when it comes to going to the malls and shop for things. I'm just the wet blanket in their midst.

But I did try to have a good time and it wasn't all down in the mouth experience for me. I made a few jokes and really tried to act like a normal person. I was ecstatic when we went to Jollibee, which was located away from the strip. In my excitement, I managed to polished off a 2-piece chicken meal, with rice and gravy. I ignored the fact that my mouth were burning while  eating, only to realized halfway, that I ordered the spicy kind. It was really spicy, mind you. While waiting in line to order, I kept telling my sister, "This is amazing, feels like we're back home".  I was really happy that time. Of course, nothing compares to the Jollibee chicken meal back home. On to more cool stuff, I enjoyed the Celine Dion show we went to. It was surreal to listen to her sing live, the song "My Heart Will Go On" from the movie Titanic. I did sing along to a few of her songs I'm familiar with. It was a great show.

Thanks to my sister and master shifa. :-)

Now, we're back to our normal routines. Back to work and all that stuff. We laughed about our trip now. If they're true to their word ( about not going on a trip with me, again ), well, that remains to be seen. Repeatedly, I assured both of them that, I won't feel bad or feel left out, if they go some place, where there's a mall or an outlet shop. I will happily count myself out and they don't have to feel guilty about leaving me behind. I will be fine.

Let's see. :-)

What I think about, now that I'm 40. And what I learned, so far.

"You're only young once, they say, but doesn't it go for a long time? More years than you can bear." - Hilary Mantel, An Experiment in Love

I turned 40  months ago, days leading to it, I search online for things to do to mark my 40^th birthday. A party is out of the question. I mean, a party involves a lot of people. Other interesting stuff were mentioned, like jumping out of a plane for one or go somewhere secluded and spend the day by yourself. Things I’m not too keen on doing at that time. My birthday falls on a Monday and it was just like any ordinary day. My sister bought balloons with the words “Happy 40^th Birthday!”. I repeatedly told her, it was just a waste of money, much to her annoyance. Then we had breakfast at a local cafe near our place and went for a short walk around the lake. The walk was my favorite part of the day. I thought about having a drink at the end of the day, then remembered that I have to go to work later that night. So much for my 40^th.

 I remembered someone told me, that she went all out when she turned 40. Frankly, I didn’t know what she meant. Age is just a number, I know, but somehow it implies a lot of things. Someone asked me how I feel now that I’m 40. I replied that I don’t feel anything. Not entirely true, I suppose. On some days I can feel my back, when I get out of bed. Other times, my knees make this sound, when I hurry down the stairs. For me, nothing has changed, except for the fact that I’m 40 and the weight on my shoulders has gotten heavier.

I’ve heard the line that says, life begins at 40 or something like that. If that’s the case, what was the last 39 years of my life amount to? I have no idea. I thought about writing this post because I find that now I’m older, I tend to do a lot of thinking about things in general. I’ve been told that I think too much, to a fault. I mean, I even complicate a simple matter by thinking too much about it. My sister point this out to me all the time. So, if you don’t mind, allow me to share my thoughts on random things, from a 40-year old’s point of view. So, here goes my spiel.

My sister will be my go-to companion, until, she go on one of her "hush. hush" getaways. 

On Family: It’s funny and weird, how when I was younger, I wish that I belong in a different family. I wish that I had the perfect parents and siblings. As I get older, I realized that part of who I am today is attributed to my family.  No amount of success will mean anything to me if I can’t share it with them.

On Work: Someone at work made a comment that I’m an eager-beaver because I arrive half an hour early before the start of my shift. She made it sound like it’s such a bad thing that I am early. I dismissed her comment with a shrug. My sister even told me that no one will give me a medal for being punctual at work. I guess the norm for most people is to arrive at work with 5 minutes to spare, half-awake (during mornings) and drag their feet, because they’d rather be somewhere else. I don’t profess to be crazy about my job but I do it in a way that is expected of me. I believe in going the extra mile even if nobody cares if I do.

"Sometimes the highest test of humanity is what we hold ourselves back from doing when every fiber in our body wants to do something else."- Mitch Albom

 On Friends: I don’t have a lot of friends. I have acquaintances, mostly by association. When I first came to Canada seven years ago, I’ve been told that I won’t survive alone. Scary predicament, I thought. Fortunately, I have my sister here, she’s obligated to be friends with me, whether she like it or not. But even then, I need to “get away” from her, from time to time. I am privilege and fortunate to have met people that have been very good and kind to me. People who understands that tiny detail about me---just because I’m quiet doesn’t mean I don’t have anything to say about things. People who believe that I’m capable of doing something worthwhile and help me achieve it. People who wants me around, just because.

On driving: I’ve been driving for the past two years and I can’t say, I like it very much. I do it out of necessity when I must go to work but other than that, I’d rather stay put. It didn’t help when I got pulled over once, for running through a yellow light. Sure, there’s the thing about being independent and all. And that’s it. I still want to be on  the passenger seat, once in awhile and be alone with my thoughts.

On death: My first experience with death was when my grandmother passed away, and I was old enough to understand what happened. I have had a few people I care about, passed away. And I know  that death is inevitable, still, it saddened me to think that I won't see them again. That all I have are memories.

On children: I don’t have children of my own but I’m cool with hanging out with them, from time to time. I like children but I don't think I'm responsible enough to have them.

"Let yourself be silently drawn by the stronger pull of what you really love." - Rumi

I like to think that I learned a thing or two since I came to this world. I used to wonder why my mother didn't impose rules on me while growing up. When I confronted her about this, she replied, "I know you'd always do the right thing.",with an expression, that said, how can you ask me that. 

I find that dreams do come true. It did not happen overnight for me but when it did, the feeling was surreal and left me speechless, except to say, "This is awesome."  I can't take all the credit for the past 40 years. It is evident that I have some help and someone is looking out for me. And for that I am always thankful.

Being a grown up and a responsible adult is hard work. A lot of times I have to make compromises just to fit in. I used to tell myself that I don't really care what people say or think about me. But the thing is, I do. And doing the right thing, sometimes, go against, what I believe is right. But hey, I'm still here, so I guess, I'm figuring things as I go along.

So anyway, I'll end this post with my hopes for the years to come, God willing, I'm still around....

• Good health for my family and friends.
• The means and willingness to provide for my family.
• To be always grateful, no matter what.
• To 'don't sweat the small stuff".
• To run again. Hopefully.

First-ever US travel---memorable.

I am superstitious. I guess I got that from my grandmother. I kept mum about my travel plans not because I don't want anyone to know about it. But because I care about it too much, I don't want it to be jinxed. I know, crazy, eh? Of course, my sister and Rhea knew about it. Anyway, when it was already set and finalized that I'd be going to New York, I could barely contain my excitement. The thing is, I'm good at downplaying something I deeply care about, to the point where I can be indifferent and nonchalant about it. Little did anyone know, that deep inside, I was singing "Welcome to New York" in my head.

"And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it." - Paulo Coelho

It was my first time to travel to the States all by myself. The days leading to it, I feel apprehensive. Not that I'm a negative person but I like to know beforehand what to do when things don't go as planned, which is always a bummer because plans do change and things can go wrong and you have to think on your feet and act fast on what to do next. As it turned out, I didn't count on our flight out of New York getting cancelled and me missing my return flight to Canada. Fortunately, things were resolved and I'm back home.

Oh, the places I get to go with them. Great times. 

My cousin, Socorro ( I call her Payen ) and her husband, Brian invited me to visit them, after I mentioned it to her that I already have my US visa. It was a mini-reunion for us,  cousins and met Brian for the first time. Bing2x, Payen's younger sister was also there. They made sure my first visit was a very memorable one. I had an awesome time and a great visit with them. Payen made this list of places we'll go to, both in New York and Chicago. A quick stop in Milwaukee was a bonus.

19 odd years ago, I got drunk for the first time. It made me cry like crazy. In between sobs, I told my late grandmother that we will go to New York. Doting as she was. she consoled me and said, "Hush now, yes, we will go to New York." I still remember that day and much more so when I finally set foot in New York for the first time. I like to think that my grandmother was there with me.

After a few messages on Facebook, this is what happened. :-)

New York was the highlight of my first US visit. Payen later told me that Brian has really prepared for it. He bought an app so it would be easier for us to navigate the streets of New York, without getting lost. After the first day, we felt like pros in using our Metrocard and maneuvering our way into the oftentimes crowded subway station and train.

This trip wouldn't be possible without the invite from my cousin and her husband. When I told her about my US visa, she was like, you should come, visit us. And the rest, I say, was an awesome  week in the States. I get to go places I only watched in the movies or TV. It was a seven days, filled with lots of walking and me, exclaiming "This is amazing!" or "This is awesome!" more than a few times.

People go to the States all the time. People go to New York. No big deal. But for me, it is more than that. Being able to go to the States, particularly in New York, has validated my belief that dreams do come true. And that,  patience counts. Yes, life  and being an adult can get in the way and dreams, sometimes are put in the back-burner. It took me almost 20 years to nurture my dream of going to New York and when it was finally realized, it was way beyond amazing. Of course, it also helps that "...all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it." I am  forever grateful.

Tofino, revisited.

I don't go out unless I have to. So it's always a big deal for me when I do but I downplay my excitement to the point where, it seems like I don't care. Before I go on, let's get this thing straight, when I say "go out", it doesn't mean going to the malls. Walking in the mall is a torture for me so whenever we go there, I drag my feet and make this "tsk..tsk...tsk" sound when I get bored.

So when we decided to go to Tofino for a day, I was excited. Of course, my sister was more excited than I am. She had all these accouterments for spending a day at the beach stuffed in a bag, not to mention spending quite a long time on her make-up and all. Turned out it was cloudy and a bit chilly when we finally get there. My sister had to  slipped on a pair of jeans because she find it too cold to walk in her shorts. I laugh at her and head to the beach, while they follow closely behind.

Would have been a nicer view if it was sunny but the fact that I get to see this and hear the sound of the waves is amazing. :-)

There's never a shortage of photo-op session. :-)

Sunny or not, we still managed to enjoy the day. We had lunch  at a nearby park, then walked around for a bit before we decided to head back home. Rhea is a such a good sport to spend the day with us. I mean, my sister and I can be noisy and loud but I like to think, we're fun to be with. So anyway, we head back home. We stopped by Ucluelet, just to checked it out. My sister and I told Rhea that we haven't been there before, hence the short stop. 

Stopped by Chesterman Beach and enjoyed the sights and despite the gloomy surroundings, they still had fun and jump. :-)

I was a bit tired from sitting too long. I imagined Rhea would be too, since she was the one driving. I had a great time. I enjoyed being out and about, without the confines of cement walls ( I'm sure, my sister knows what I mean. )

I managed to scramble up on one of the rock formations and get a better view of the waves and feel the chilly air against my face. I was in the zone, until  I heard my sister called me to come down.

I can't say it was an unplanned trip to Tofino. We did plan it and it was a bummer when the day didn't turn out the way we want it to, weather-wise. All in all, it was a great day. Thanks to Rhea. :-)

Living with my sister-- the story of our life.

My sister and I come from a big family. There's always noise and chaos. Disagreements and fights were the norm. We practically grew up together. The only time we were apart was when I moved to another city to go to  school. And when she moved to Canada. As luck would have it, four years later, I followed her. I like to think that we're meant to be together in a strange and foreign country. At first, we lived in different places  and only get to hang out during our days off. Back then, we always had this plan to get our own place and live together.

"It's hard to be responsible, adult and sensible all the time. How good it is to have a sister  whose heart is as young as your own." - Pam Brown

Since I moved in with my sister, I have been relegated to certain chores. Of course, we don't need to put it down on paper because we're adults now. I mean, how hard that can be. I am assigned to take out the garbage every week, which I do diligently. The only time my sister has to do it is when I'm not around. I'm responsible for cleaning up after her when she  makes a mess in the kitchen while she cooks. Frankly, I don't mind doing the dishes because I like to do it. Besides, I can't stand dirty stuff left on the kitchen sink for too long. The only downside to this is I get "obsessed" ( as she calls it ) with cleaning up after her, that one time, while she was busy cooking something, I washed a spoon or a dish, only to realized that she still has to used it. She was annoyed and told me to go sit on the couch and watched TV. Like I was an errant child.

My sister and I are opposites. I think it's one of the reasons we get along fine.

I learned how to use a hammer and a screwdriver, not that they're hard to learn. Over the course of a few months, I managed to assemble our tiny dining set ( you know, table and chairs ) and a TV stand, while my sister stood by and gave me directions, from time to time. It took a lot of effort and patience on my part to read the diagram on the small piece of paper that came with all the parts. I blurted a few expletives when I screwed a part the wrong way and had to take them apart again. Fortunately, our friend, Rhea was there to help. If it was just me and my sister, we probably end up punching each other. But I have to say this,  I was quite happy with myself, when I looked at the assembled TV stand and dining set.

"Of two sisters one is always the watcher, one the dancer." - Louise Gluck

We make compromises when we decided to live together. We don't always agree on things. I make it a point to go to bed early especially if I have to work the next day, while my sister on the other hand, like to stay up late, even if she has to get up early the next day. I'm a morning person. I love to get up when its still dark outside ( especially if I don't have to go to work ) and sit in my corner, with a book and coffee. This does not escape my sister's attention and she told me more than once that I'm insane.

My sister and I are different as night and day. She is sophisticated and fashionable dressed, most of the time, while I on the other hand, is the exact opposite. We don't have the perfect relationship. We both have shortcomings and make mistakes. We argue sometimes, about anything---from her taking too long to put on make-up to my unusual ( according to her ) rule of being at work half an hour early. I'm sure she gets angry at me, as I do with her. But the thing is, we don't hold a grudge. And most of the time, we just laugh off at anything, that may have previously annoy us.

Living with my sister may have its ups and downs. But so far, so good. :-)

I lived, thankfully.

"One often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it." - Master Oogway ( Kung Fu Panda )

"You cannot swim for new horizons until you have courage to lose sight of the shore." - William Faulkner

In everything, give thanks. And be okay.

"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for." - Epicurus

I find it easy to feel grateful  and say thanks, when things go according to my plans. When everything falls into place and I'm left with this wonderful feeling that life is good. The real challenge is when things take a turn for the worse and giving thanks is the last thing on my mind. When this happen, I'm more inclined to feel angry and frustrated. And sometimes, indulge in pity party, which is not a good idea. It takes a conscious effort on my part to see past all the negative feelings and look at the bigger picture.

"I've started to look at life differently. When you're thanking God for every little you - every meal, every time you wake up, every time you take a sip of water - you can't help but be more thankful for life itself, for the unlikely and miraculous fact that you exist at all." - A. J. Jacobs

Things happen for a reason so I've heard. Life won't always be easy and there are things I can't control no matter what. Still, I have a lot to be thankful in my life.

The chance to see this view is reason enough to be thankful.  Just proves I get to live another day. :-)

H A P P Y   T H A N K S G I V I N G !!!

Coming to Canada.

After countless forms that needs to be filled up and signed and days and months of waiting,  I finally got that piece of paper that says I'm confirmed as a permanent resident of Canada.

It's been four years since I first set foot in this country. I remember seeing the lights of Vancouver for the first time, as the plane prepared to land, and I realized that, there's no turning back.  I had no idea as to what lies ahead of me. It has been a learning experience, as I eased myself  into the Canadian way of life. And I'm still learning every day. I have to remind myself from time to time that I only inhabit a small portion of this country. But to keep it simple, whenever someone ask me where I'm at now, my answer is always, "I'm in Canada."

I am grateful for Mama. I get to go to school and come to Canada. Although, she thinks I'm too serious. :-)

I've always wanted to go to New York for a visit. But I never thought about the possibility that I get to move away from home and live somewhere, a thousand miles away from family and friends, in an entirely different time zone and climate. Coming to Canada has its upside and downside, like everything else in life. "You can't have your cake and eat it too." proves to be true.

People I've met are curious to know if I like it here. I always say that I do. I like the temperate climate. I like the library. Although being away from home is a compromise I have to deal with. I miss my family and the few friends I have, from time to time. And I miss the food. I came from a country where no meal is complete without rice. It took me awhile to get used to eating salads and other kind of vegetables. One day, someone asked me if I cook my own food, I replied no. And she was like, don't you miss it? I told her, I miss it, sometimes. But I learn to adjust and adapt. Besides, my sister cook Filipino food when we hang out.

My sister and I don't agree on a lot of things. But that doesn't change the fact that I learned some things from her, like how to put on a jacket, without having the shirt sleeves all bunched up underneath. :-)

When it was certain that I'd be coming to Canada, I decided to read more about the country to keep myself abreast with what to expect. Let's just say that my reading helped a bit. But still, it didn't prepare me for all the experiences I encountered along the way.  A lot has change for me in the span of four years. I like to think that coming to Canada made me a better person. It made me more responsible. Being here made me look at my family in a different light and appreciate them. Then I learned how to drive and got my driver's license. I  get to run a marathon. I had the opportunity to work for three different wonderful elderly ladies, whom impacted my life in ways I didn't expect. No amount of reading could have prepared me, for the experience  and realization ( which came later )-- that I am capable of caring for another person. That I can be emotionally invested in someone. And I don't mean this, in the sense of just doing my job. That I will learn to like animals, especially Moxie and Nakita, and sometimes, prefer their company. That coming to Canada would test my patience, when one day, I had to stand in the rain, while I wait for the bus. And on another occasion literally ran after one.

Dennis and Rita make my life easier. I am and will always be thankful. 

Before you doze off and fall flat on your face while reading this, I'll bring this post to an end by saying a word of thanks to the people who make it possible for me to be here.  I can't take all the credit for having survived in a foreign country, that's altogether different from the one where I was born and grew up. I owe it to all the generous and kind people I have had the privilege of meeting. It's worth mentioning that without my aunt ( whom we call Mama ), I wouldn't be in Canada right now. Even if we don't see eye to eye on a lot of things, it won't discount the fact that she  made it possible for me to come here. To my sister, who made it easier for me to adjust to my new life here, even if sometimes, she drives me crazy. And most of all, I wouldn't be able to comply with the requirements to become a permanent resident if not for Mary, Nora and Nancy and their respective families. They trusted me and welcomed me in their homes.

First time camping, lessons learned.

 Happy campers? I think, for the most part. :-)

I've never been to camping with my folks and by folks, I meant,my aunt, sister and my aunt's friend, Rhea. So when Rhea suggested that we'd go to Hornby Island and set up camp for two days, I was excited. I've never been to Hornby Island in the first place and I'd love to try camping. I realized that it entails a lot of work--planning and organizing, and most of all, patience and a sense of humor. We shared a lot of funny moments during our stay. We were amateurs but we made the most of what we had.

Allow me to share some valuable lessons I learned during our two-day stint up close with nature....

Never trust the weather forecast. What the weatherman says like a week or a few days before can drastically change in a heartbeat. I learned this the hard way, or should I say, we did. Our first foray into camping turned out to be a not too pleasant experience ( and the kind that we hoped for ) when we were caught off guard with the rain during our stay. Of all the days to be raining, it had to be on our first day and the next day. Fortunately, we managed to set up our tents before the rain turned into a light downpour. We were also thankful for the trees in our campsite that provided a bit of cover. But all in all, I still enjoyed it.

 Happily played "photographer" the entire time and met Ke$ha on the beach.

Be prepared. I find this very important only after. We didn't anticipate the weather changing so we came with just clothes appropriate for hot summer days. We didn't realize that it gets cold during the night, especially when the temperature starts to dip low. The first night, I tossed and turned and was cold, I stayed half-awake most of the time during the night. I couldn't wait for morning to come.

Just roll with the punches. I'd be lying if I say that I was comfortable going to the outhouse or lay down so close to the ground, with just an air mattress in between. I miss the comfort of my own bed. Then there's the issue of not being able to take a normal shower ( the kind I'm used to ). After two days, I feel dirty. I dreaded the time when I need to go to the washroom because I don't like to look at the black void underneath. But then, I think that's the point of camping, to get away from the "comforts" of daily life. Frankly, it was kind of  relaxing to sit on the folding chair, with my feet up on the bench and a drink on my hand, while I listened to the different sounds around me -the rustle of leaves as a light breeze fanned the trees; the somewhat annoying sound of the crows overhead; the happy shrieks of kids while they play at a nearby clearing and the soft rumble of an occasional car as it navigated around the campsite. Its cool that for once, I didn't have to think or worry about anything. My cellphone was stashed safely in my backpack.

 After two days and two nights, we were ready to go. We couldn't wait to get back to our routines. We had breakfast first before we pack our stuff. And after we made sure that everything was in order and our belongings safely stashed in the car, we were off.

I told my sister that I like camping and would like to do it again. She said she liked it too, except for the part when she had to crawl to get into the tent. As for me, I like it. My only concern was going to the outhouse, but I think its way better than having to squat on the bush.Till next time. :-)

Hey, brother and sister.

"I don't believe an accident of birth makes people sisters or brothers. It makes them siblings, gives them mutuality of parentage. Sisterhood and brotherhood is a condition people have to work at." - Maya Angelou

There was a time, especially during high school, when I used to be embarrassed whenever someone asked me questions like, "How many are you in the family?' or "How many brothers and sisters do you have?' I was like, not again. Now, when someone ask me these same questions, my reply to the first would be a brief "Nine." and the latter would take a considerable time while I do the math then I'd say, "I have six sisters and two brothers. And I'm the eldest." Both of my answers would be met with surprise or a "Wow" reaction. And I'm like, yes, tell me about it.

I still can't figure out how my mother ever managed to have nine kids. While growing up, I remembered her being pregnant, then she'd be gone for a few days and when she came back home, she'd have a baby in her arms. I have never seen her in labor or wailing and mouthing off expletives ( just like shown in the movies or TV shows ) because she was in pain. When I was old enough to know what was going on, the arrival of a new baby, like every couple of years or so, has lost its appeal. I started to ask questions and resented the fact that our family kept growing. Of course, my questions were ignored. I heard talks that my parents wanted to have a son, so that was it. True enough, after seven daughters, my two brothers arrived and that's how we get to be nine.

"Our siblings push buttons that cast us in roles we felt sure we had let go of long ago — the baby, the peacekeeper, the caretaker, the avoider.... It doesn’t seem to matter how much time has elapsed or how far we’ve traveled." - Jane Mersky Leder

Once, someone told me that it must be fun to be in a big family. I thought about that remark for a long time. I think it depends on how you define "fun".  It was never fun for me, at least back then. Everything has to be shared equally and to the last bit or else there'd be "war". My mother has become adept at making sure that food was divided in equal portions,  among us kids. I remembered a particular incident, when she had to forgo her share because one of my younger sister or brother ( I can't remember anymore ) wanted more of something. As I watched her silently, I realized then, that she's not just some woman who had babies all the time. She's our "Nanay" and will always be.

I grew up knowing that I have to keep myself in line and have to set a good example for my younger siblings. My parents didn't have to talk to me about this but it was assumed and I figured that since I'm the eldest, it is expected of me. There were times that I wish I have an older brother or sister. And even now, I still think how nice it would be to have an older sibling.  Wishful thinking, I suppose.

"Siblings are the people we practice on, the people who teach us about fairness and cooperation and kindness and caring — quite often the hard way."- Pamela Dugdale

One day, my brother and I had the chance to chat on Facebook and after the usual exchange of Hi's and How are you's, we get to talk about things, way back when he was younger. He reminded me how ill-tempered I was and how scared they were when I get angry. And I thought to myself, he remembers.  One time when I found out that my mother was pregnant for the eighth time, I gave her the cold shoulder. I didn't talk to her for a few days but I also looked up baby boy names, secretly. I wasn't sure if it was just pure coincidence, my mother gave birth to a baby boy. They were all happy. I was happy. A few years after that, another baby boy arrived. For some reason, I doted on my younger brothers. When I was away at school, I used to save part of my allowance so I could buy presents for them when I come home for a visit. Too bad they both didn't get to spend a lot of time with our father because he passed away too soon.

"Our siblings. They resemble us just enough to make all their differences confusing, and no matter what we choose to make of this, we are cast in relation to them our whole lives long." - Susan Scarf Merrell

I don't see my younger siblings as often now since I moved away from home. We don't talk much. They're miles away, they may as well be in a different world. But whenever we do get to talk, I am transported back in time and sometimes, it feels like I've never left.

One day, while I watched the movie "Cheaper by the Dozen", I thought about my brothers and sisters and was inspired to write. Hence, this post. I guess the movie reminded me of them, who knows.

Confessions of a reluctant caregiver, in retrospect.

I had the chance to go over my blog one day, and came across  a post  I wrote four years ago. It was about my feelings and thoughts of working as a live-in caregiver. At that time, I was scared of being not up for the job and doing something wrong. I remembered crying after the first week in my first job because I was overwhelmed.

A lot has changed in four years. My fear of being not up for the task or making mistakes disappeared. Although not entirely, but I don't think so much about them anymore. Instead, I focused on doing my job well and think of ways to do it better.

I didn't plan on becoming a live-in caregiver. I had grand plans for myself, unfortunately, they didn't pan out. I guess they weren't meant to be. I didn't  realized that I'd be doing something far more remarkable.

The first time I met Nancy seemed like ages ago, when I think about it now. At that time, I felt anxious about starting a new job and all. She made me forget that. One thing I'd always remember is that, after we were introduced, I felt like I've met her before and have known her for a long time. She held onto my hand and gave me a smile. Right there and then, I knew that we're off to a good start and we'd get along fine. And we did. Besides, she reminded me a lot of my grandmother. Nancy was the first person to point it out to me that I'm a runner because I love to run. She worried about me getting cold and not having enough to eat. She told me, more than a few times, that  I'm part of the family.

I was away for a month to visit my family, so Nancy had to go to respite. I assured her that I will be back and that  time would just go by so fast, for the both of us. I came back and was happy to see her again. I'm sure she was happy to see me too. But a few days later, she died.  After that, the days went by in a blur. I'm sad and I feel lost. Whenever someone asked me how I'm doing, my usual reply of "I'm good." comes in handy. I'm not really sure if I do feel good though. But I try to. I know that death is an inevitable part of the human condition. I get that Nancy was 93 years old and had various ailments, that came with being old. But I wasn't prepared and was caught off-guard when she passed away. I always thought that we still have a few more years to hang out together.

I've been told how good I am with her. But the the thing is, it was a team effort. I wouldn't be able to do my job well if Nancy was not that good-natured and amiable. And easy to get along with. Through the course of time that I worked for her, sometimes, I felt like I was a drill sergeant, that went over our routines like clock work. Of course, I always tell her to feel free to say something if I get way out of line. But she always tells me that she had no complaints and assured me that everything I did was perfect.

It was a privilege to work for her. Aside from the financial aspect that came with the job, working for her has opened my eyes to the intricacies of being an elderly and what it feels like to be one. She showed me the importance of family and their support. But most of all, she made me feel that I belong and for once, I did something right and somehow, made a difference in her life.

All I want for Christmas...

If not for the Christmas lights and Christmas decorations I see everywhere, I wouldn't have notice that its just a few days before Christmas. Someone asked me if I think about it. Christmas, she meant. I replied, sometimes.

I remembered about writing a letter to Santa, like a couple of years ago, but it didn't pan out. I suppose at this time, he is busy and all. I don't expect to be on his "Naughty or Nice" list because for one, I don't think I'm naughty and because I'm already 37, I'm sure, he couldn't care less if I'm nice. I wish Santa have some help, aside from the elves, that can cater to a grown-up's Christmas wish, like mine.

"Christmas is a time when you get homesick---even when you're home." -
Carol Nelson

Anyway, I still think it would be fun to convey to him my heart's desire which is more amplified at this festive time of the year. If he is really magical or something, I assume he already know what I want. But just in case, he is distracted with the tons of letters coming his way, I took the liberty to jog his memory, with the assumption that he has access to the internet.

Drum roll please....here goes my Christmas wishlist...

DSLR camera. I've always wanted a Nikon one. I love taking pictures to a fault. I don't think I need to elaborate.

Laptop. My netbook is still working but it sure is getting slow. And part of the keyboard doesn't work anymore because I slammed my fist into it. At one point, I lose patience.

Amazon Kindle Paperwhite. Just so I can say I'm a well-rounded reader.

It's not a long list. I can't think of anything else that I'd like for Christmas, tangible things, that is. I just thought it would be fun to have a go at this "wishlist" thing.

Merry Christmas!!!

I never ask her, "What it's like to be you?"...

"All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother." - Abraham Lincoln

It's been a long time since I last saw my mother, not that I'm counting. More than three years ago, I mumbled a hasty goodbye to her before I boarded the plane that took me to another country. I didn't even look back because I suck at saying goodbye and I didn't want to see her sad face.

My mother had me when she was just 18. When I was that age, I was busy with a new life away from home under the guise of attending university.

All those years growing up, my mother never had to fussed on me about anything, well, except for that day when she forced me to wear a dress to school or that time when she put clips on my unruly hair ( to make it stay in place ) but I took it off when I thought she wasn't looking. She never had to wake me up on a school day ( because most of the time, I was up before her ); never had to tell me to study my lessons or do my homework; she never had to tell me not to stay out late at night or skip class, I thought she's indifferent or just didn't care. Years later, when I asked her why she was never strict or impose rules on me, she simply replied, "Because I know you always do the right thing." So, that was it. I didn't realize she trust me that much.

I used to have this fear that I might end up like my mother---have nine kids and just stay at home. That time, I didn't even think of all the "work" she had to put up with raising us. When I think about it now, I'm sure that I can't measure up to what she did for us. ( Good thing, I don't have kids.)

My mother is the simplest and sometimes, naive person you've ever met. She give in to almost everything to avoid arguments and fights, which was and is a frequent occurrence in our house. For the most part growing up, I tried to for someone to look up to and look after  me. With a new baby arriving every couple of years or so, I drifted farther away from her. As I grew older, I realized that I don't need another person to acknowledge my presence and the things I've done because my mother is always there. I live away from home most of my adult life that it's comforting to know that when I come home again, she'll be there. As for "knowing to do the right thing", she need not worry about it.

Anyway, I've been meaning to write this one in time for Mother's Day but I never get around to it. My mother won't read this but it doesn't matter. Besides, she knows I appreciate what she'd done for me and my siblings, all these years. And I am forever thankful.

For our one and only "Nanay", every day is Mother's Day. :-)

Family Matters

"If only we could have the impossible, he thought, we could vanquish unhappiness. But that was not how things worked in the world."

I read the book "A Fine Balance" by Rohinton Mistry, more than a year ago. It was the most sad yet an eye-opener read I ever had. It is fiction but I can't help correlate it with reality. Some things that happened in the book and the respective characters' circumstances did happen in real life.

"Remember, people can take away everything from you, but they cannot rob you of your decency. Not if you want to keep it. You alone can do that, by your actions."

One day, I was in Chapters. While I walked around and browsed over different titles, I came across Rohinton Mistry's works. I didn't realize that he wrote three previous books before "A Fine Balance". So, I jot down the titles. Once I got back home, I put  a request for "Family Matters" in the library.

Reading the book made me think about my own family-- the relationship I had ( or lack thereof ) with my late father and my attitude towards my mother and younger siblings.

As with any good book that I read, I always make it a point to take note of phrases that I like or I think, impacted me in some ways.

So, here's one...

"Everyone underestimates their own life. Funny thing is, in the end, all our stories--your life, my life---they're the same. In fact, no matter where you go in the world, there is only one important story: of youth, and loss, and yearning for redemption. So we tell the same story, over and over. Just the details are different."

2012 happenings...

"Hope
Smiles from the threshold of the year to come, 
whispering it will be happier..." 

- Alfred Lord Tennyson

With another year coming up for grabs, I think that it's only fitting to reflect on what went on in 2012. And perhaps, I can learn a thing or two from it.

As you know, I live a pretty much laid-back and ordinary life. No late-night outs and hangovers. No hang-outs with so-called friends. No dates or whatsoever. Nothing much is going on in my world. My sister always point it to me that, I'm already living the life of someone more than twice my age or  just about.

I have no complains though. I'm happy and thankful  where I'm at right now. I'm sure I did quite a few things this past year---fun things, I say. So if you're up to it, read on....

Ran in my "first" marathon. I put emphasis on the word 'first' because I think about doing another one. Go figures. :-)

I love the letter "N". After countless hours spent on the road,"driving" and two failed road tests, I finally got this. 

My sister and I dressed up for Halloween!!!

Helped decorate my first "real" Christmas tree. 

Christmas morning. I'm glad I made it to Santa's "Nice" list. :-)

White Christmas and we made a snowman too. :-)

Goodies galore. And I'm just talking about desserts here. Sometimes, I think I'm like the birds, fattening up for winter. But I'm not complaining.:-)

Get to met new friends. :-)

Then, there's my birthday. And other things I'm grateful for every day. :-)

"For last year's words belong to last year's language

And next year's words await another voice.

And to make an end is to make a beginning."

-T. S. Eliot

Older and thankful...

I turned 36 a few weeks ago. I can't say I feel any different than last year. Of course, it doesn't escape my attention that I'm a year older now. I always look forward to my birthday no matter what. The past year has been a mixture of happy times ( my birthday, for one, that is ) and not so happy times. It entailed a lot of changes in my life. Someone I know passed away. I learned to drive and got my driver's license. Had to look for another job and had to pack my stuff and move again. Despite all that, I have so much to be thankful for. I'm grateful for where I am right now, in my life.

I get to have my cake and eat it too while at the same time, holding on to my beer. And have coffee with Baileys on the side. I'm a happy camper. :-) [ Thanks to Rita.] 

 I realized that things happen for a reason, though most of the time, it's way beyond me. I learned that crappy times don't last long, in the same way, that happy times don't last forever. Still it pays to remember that, there's always that light at the end of the tunnel, only if I know how to look and have patience at the same time. It's a huge comfort to have those happy memories to look back to whenever I feel down.

Turning a year older is an accomplishment in itself. I can't stress this enough. And there's that feeling of being "extra special" even if  just for one day.

Enjoyed sparkling wine with my sister and cousin. ( And other stuff not shown. )

I'll look forward to what this year has in store for me. Hopefully, I still get to run from time to time and do new stuff. Who knows...

Sisters-in-arms ( anything could happen )

"A sister can be seen as someone who is both ourselves and very much not ourselves." - Toni Morrison

I've been asked more than a few times if I like being in Canada. And I always say, "Yes, I like being here." Living in a foreign country and being away from home is not so bad because my sister is here, even if we don't get to see each other and hang out often. I know, I'd be singing a different tune if I'm the only one here. My sister helps keep homesickness at bay.

I decided to come up with this post because our birthdays are coming up and I thought I'd write something about our relationship. So far, it's working. My sister and I get along fine, perhaps more so, because we only see each other like, once or twice a month. So whatever time we have, is maximize and full of laughter and fun. I once told her that I only get to laugh ( the LOL kind ) when I'm with her.

"A sister is a little bit of childhood that can never be lost." - Marion C. Garretty

I'm thankful my sister is here. Between the two of us, we always find ways to have fun and enjoy each other's company. I'm not saying we never have arguments or something but we try not to have them. The little time we have is far better spend on having a grand "adventure". Besides, getting older, makes us more forgiving and accommodating to each other's shortcomings. Of course, I still complain ( sometimes ) when she takes her sweet time to put on make up or  decides what dress to wear. In the same way, she comments on the way I dress or my "old lady" shoes. But the best part is, she spoils me ( take note, sister, I still pine for the Nikon SLR ) and cooks me Filipino food, whenever I ask here.

So, here's to you, my "always fashionably dressed" sister, Happy, Happy Birthday!!!

"Sisters function as safety nets in a chaotic world simply by being there for each other."- Carol Saline