This too shall pass....I need to calm down.

I find that it's hard to control myself from crying, when the tears seem to have a mind of their own. And especially when you're in a public place.

A few weeks ago, I had to go to the hospital again. It's always a mental struggle for me when I have to do so. I try my best to be a good sport about it, but I always end up crying, out of frustration and anger. Its not a nice feeling to be helpless and be at the mercy of people, of whom I'm not so sure, if they know what they're doing ( like the ER doctor that said, "I don't know" after she take a look of my messed up arm with the PICC line ). I have nothing personal against hospitals but  it makes me  angry and desperately wanted to punch anyone in the face, whenever I have to go there and someone  tells me "It's just a simple procedure. You'll be fine."

I have been very patient and try to be okay, since I found out about my situation. But sometimes, I am fed up with it despite my prayers to have peace of mind. I started to think, what's the point of going through all the trouble and inconvenienced others in the process. Frankly, I am an inconvenience now. The people who cares about me can't make plans, without having to consider my situation. And I don't like to make plans anymore because I end up more frustrated if they don't pan out because something come up.

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." - Albert Einstein 

My life now, consists of a cycle of "good" days and "not-so-good" days. Of course, I need not dwell on that fact or else I'd end up unhappy and miserable. So, on my good days, I try to take it all in and revel in the moment---the scenic walk around Westwood Lake; being able to watch the sunrise; the feel of the book in my hands, while reading; the taste of coffee; the chance to hang out with family and all the things I get to enjoy each day that I'm still here. I try to remember them all because unfortunately, nothing lasts forever, especially the good stuff. On the other hand, when I have a not-so-good day, like when I had to do blood work more than once in one day or that time when I had to go to the hospital because I had a fever--- I steel myself  and go ahead with it, no matter what I feel. Whenever I'm in a situation where I have to endure physical pain and my mind have to work double time to come up with a lot of "what ifs" or "what can go wrong" scenarios, I can't help but sometimes, think of running away and just disappear, until I'm good to come back. But the thing is, I can't work up the courage to just do that, I mean, you know, run away. So, I stay. I put on a brave front and forge ahead, bearing in mind, that "this too shall pass".  And hoping that it does.

I am never really alone. I'm thankful for my sister, Mama and Rhea. 

Sometimes, I think about, how long can I keep this up? How long can my body keep up? And I'm not saying this because I'm being whiny or something. I just wonder if, when I get to the point where I'm tired of going through all these procedures and I decides that, I'm done with it. Will it be construed that I  give up already. I admit it, I often wonder what will be the end for me and I feel sad. Then I noticed the brown leaves on our driveway; the leafless trees along the way, when we went for a drive; the biting cold against my face, while I wait for the sunrise. Then it came to me, fall is here ( and eventually, winter ) and I'm still here, breathing and alive. Then I'm happy again.

Am I still grateful, you might ask? Hard to believe but I still am. I'm not thankful that I have cancer. But I'm thankful that I'm still here. I'm still thankful despite the frustrations, bursts of anger, uncertainties and the  sadness (  that suddenly just come out of nowhere). As a line from the movie goes, "I'm fine until I'm not. That's all there is to it." So, I will continue to go on about my day. I will treasure every "good" day and try to survive a "not-so-good" one. And look forward to Christmas, on the side. 😊

"Being grateful does not mean that everything is necessarily good. It just means that you can accept it as a gift." - Roy T. Bennett

In everything, give thanks. And be okay.

"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for." - Epicurus

I find it easy to feel grateful  and say thanks, when things go according to my plans. When everything falls into place and I'm left with this wonderful feeling that life is good. The real challenge is when things take a turn for the worse and giving thanks is the last thing on my mind. When this happen, I'm more inclined to feel angry and frustrated. And sometimes, indulge in pity party, which is not a good idea. It takes a conscious effort on my part to see past all the negative feelings and look at the bigger picture.

"I've started to look at life differently. When you're thanking God for every little you - every meal, every time you wake up, every time you take a sip of water - you can't help but be more thankful for life itself, for the unlikely and miraculous fact that you exist at all." - A. J. Jacobs

Things happen for a reason so I've heard. Life won't always be easy and there are things I can't control no matter what. Still, I have a lot to be thankful in my life.

The chance to see this view is reason enough to be thankful.  Just proves I get to live another day. :-)

H A P P Y   T H A N K S G I V I N G !!!

Yes, fall is here, what's up?

Fall started more than a week ago. I didn't realize that I blow up the entire month of September without a single post. I practically bounce back and forth from being lazy to not being motivated enough to write. And I tell you it is not for lack of something to write about or time. I'm just being lazy. So, while I basked in a perpetual state of laziness, I can't help but take stock of what I've been up to for the past few months. Mind you, it is not mind-blowing stuff but it gets me off from the haze to come up with this post.

I didn't do anything too exciting this past spring, except run in my second marathon in Vancouver last May. Then I did the "Shawnigan Lake Adventure" in June. To sign up for races and actually do them is the only thing I can think of, that can be equated as "physically challenging". Then summer rolled in and everything was bright and hot. The days were longer and I enjoyed the early morning runs I did and I get to watch the sunrise on the side. I wasn't crazy about "staying out in the sun to get tan" though. Besides, I think I'm brown enough. I've been asked a few times how come I don't like being out there too much, when it was sunny, when I come from a tropical country. Oh well....

I get to watch a dragon boat race for the first time and eventually, get the chance to be on the boat and paddled, like crazy, as if my life depended on it. It was an awesome experience and to be out there, in the water was neat. I sure have a lot of respect for those dragon boat paddlers---it is no easy task. It is a hard workout that requires strength, dedication and commitment. And they get camaraderie and lots of fun in return. Not to mention toned arms and strong upper body.

The highlight of my morning runs during summer. Never fails to amaze me. :-)

As for my reading, it is still going, as I expect it to be. I mean, I don't see reading and my love for books as just a passing fancy in my life. They are a part of my life and will always be, as long as I'm still able to read---which brought this brief discussion with my sister, one day. I told her that if for some unfortunate circumstances, I'd be rob off of my mental faculties, I grant her authority to decide what she seem best for me. I don't see any point of plodding on if my mind is no longer there. This sound morbid but it is reality. We all die eventually, anyway.

Fall is one of my favorite time of the year. I love the play of colors on the trees. Sure it is cold and all, but then, that's part of it. And I like the way the dried leaves make the "crunch" sound when I step on them. Then there's Halloween and Thanksgiving. :-)

So anyway, I think this is all for now. Hopefully, I'd muster enough resolve to write a post or two, in the next few months. Now, I'd better get back to my reading. Otherwise, I'd be thinking about my upcoming "long run" and just the mere mention of it makes me sick.

Enjoy fall while it lasts because winter is coming.....

Things I like about "You've Got Mail"....

"Don't you just love fall in New York?"

I've always been a movie buff since I was young enough to understand what I'm watching. Let's just say that I used to frequent the movie house whenever I had the time ( and extra cash ) and keep my myself abreast with all the new movies shown. ( Well, not all of them. ) This was during the time when cable TV wasn't popular yet.

I love to watch movies, especially the ones with endings that keep you wondering what happen, long after the credits stopped rolling. "YOU'VE GOT MAIL" is one of my favorites. I'm not really a huge fan of romantic flicks but for this one, I made an exception. And after 14 years when I first watched it, I don't mind  watching it again.

Here's the rundown on why the movie is my all-time favorite...

• It was filmed in New York City.
• Starbucks ( which means coffee )
• Bookstores ( books and reading )
• Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
• Cranberries' song "Dreams"
• Meg Ryan's hair

Just  few of  the things about the movie  that resonates with me. The plot and story line is simple but it wasn't boring at all. It's a love story but without the usual "effects" that some films has to entice viewers.

[ I have yet to fulfill my 'dream' of one day going to New York City for a visit. And perhaps, when I'm lucky, run in the New York marathon. So I'll wait and see. :-) ]