Musings on my birthday... so, this is 39.

It's  that time of the year, again. And no, I'm not talking about Christmas. It's still too far ahead to talk about, mind you. Although I started seeing ads on TV about the holidays and all. The pressing matter at hand is that we're towards the end with the month of November. And it so happened that it's my birth month. I don't  usually get excited about my birthday. Growing up, my family didn't celebrate birthdays. It's like, so you're a year older, big deal. The only thing we did or was expected of us, was go to church and lit some candles. I even have to remind my mother that it's my birthday.

For some people, turning a year older is something they don't look forward to. I mean,who wants to get old? If we can get away with it, we'd rather stay forever young.

"Let us never know what old age is. Let us know the happiness time brings, not count the years."- Ausonius

As the years passed, I started to have this feeling of excitement and anticipation when my birthday comes up. Turning a year older is an opportunity I gladly embrace with gratitude. I don't really think about my age because it's just a number. Besides, I can still get away with not looking it. Proof of that, just recently, I went to my favorite store ( as my sister calls it ). After I grab a bottle of my favorite white wine and a pack of Smirnoff Ice vodka, I walk over to the till to pay. The guy, in the counter, while helping another customer, look at me. "Can I see some ID, young lady?" were his first words when I placed my stuff in front of him. I fiddled with my wallet and took out my driver's license and handed it to him. The cashier took a close look at it to check my date of birth, I assumed. I assured him that I'm old. And he was like, does this happen to you all the time. I hesitated and replied, "Sometimes." "Always", my sister piped in.

I'm thankful that I'm here for another year. To still get to do the things I love and to be with the people I care about is the best gift I'll ever have. Sure, I pine  for things and what not, I'm human after all. I used to write a "shameless plug" weeks before my birthday solely for my sister's benefit. So she wouldn't have a hard time in deciding what to get me for my birthday. But eventually,  I got tired of doing it. The main thing is I'm still around.

"I'm just so grateful, because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive. I'm enough."- Brene Brown

I don't feel any different. I know, 39 seemed like pretty old. Like you're expected to be married and have children. When I get asked how old I am and if I'm married and have children, I politely replied "No" to both questions. And always my answers would draw more follow-up questions, most common is "why?".  Last year, I went back home for a short visit, a friend told me that I've changed. I was like, no, I didn't. I don't know exactly what she meant by it because I'm still the same person as before. Perhaps I have change in some ways but only to adapt myself to where I am right now. I'm still the same person who don't  say much unless there's a purpose or point in a conversation. I still believe in being on time and not keep people waiting, like I'm some VIP.

Its funny how people try to pin you down in to a  category or something. And if they can't figure you out, they'll tell you what to do. I've been told to "color your hair" or  "go out and met people" or talk.  I get that I'm different and probably for some, weird. To the few people who accepts and tolerates my quirks, thank you. :-)

Before I end this post, allow me to share my hopes for the years to come. So here goes...

•  Good health for my family and friends. 
•  The means and willingness to provide for my family. ( because "You don't love your family because they're kind and considerate. You love them because they're your family." - Fall of Giants  )
•   To be always grateful.
•   To "don't sweat the small stuff" 
•   To run again. I'm hoping I can run another marathon before I reach 40. 
•   My jar of coins to fill up so I can go to New York.

Thank you for all the birthday wishes. :-)

Living with my sister-- the story of our life.

My sister and I come from a big family. There's always noise and chaos. Disagreements and fights were the norm. We practically grew up together. The only time we were apart was when I moved to another city to go to  school. And when she moved to Canada. As luck would have it, four years later, I followed her. I like to think that we're meant to be together in a strange and foreign country. At first, we lived in different places  and only get to hang out during our days off. Back then, we always had this plan to get our own place and live together.

"It's hard to be responsible, adult and sensible all the time. How good it is to have a sister  whose heart is as young as your own." - Pam Brown

Since I moved in with my sister, I have been relegated to certain chores. Of course, we don't need to put it down on paper because we're adults now. I mean, how hard that can be. I am assigned to take out the garbage every week, which I do diligently. The only time my sister has to do it is when I'm not around. I'm responsible for cleaning up after her when she  makes a mess in the kitchen while she cooks. Frankly, I don't mind doing the dishes because I like to do it. Besides, I can't stand dirty stuff left on the kitchen sink for too long. The only downside to this is I get "obsessed" ( as she calls it ) with cleaning up after her, that one time, while she was busy cooking something, I washed a spoon or a dish, only to realized that she still has to used it. She was annoyed and told me to go sit on the couch and watched TV. Like I was an errant child.

My sister and I are opposites. I think it's one of the reasons we get along fine.

I learned how to use a hammer and a screwdriver, not that they're hard to learn. Over the course of a few months, I managed to assemble our tiny dining set ( you know, table and chairs ) and a TV stand, while my sister stood by and gave me directions, from time to time. It took a lot of effort and patience on my part to read the diagram on the small piece of paper that came with all the parts. I blurted a few expletives when I screwed a part the wrong way and had to take them apart again. Fortunately, our friend, Rhea was there to help. If it was just me and my sister, we probably end up punching each other. But I have to say this,  I was quite happy with myself, when I looked at the assembled TV stand and dining set.

"Of two sisters one is always the watcher, one the dancer." - Louise Gluck

We make compromises when we decided to live together. We don't always agree on things. I make it a point to go to bed early especially if I have to work the next day, while my sister on the other hand, like to stay up late, even if she has to get up early the next day. I'm a morning person. I love to get up when its still dark outside ( especially if I don't have to go to work ) and sit in my corner, with a book and coffee. This does not escape my sister's attention and she told me more than once that I'm insane.

My sister and I are different as night and day. She is sophisticated and fashionable dressed, most of the time, while I on the other hand, is the exact opposite. We don't have the perfect relationship. We both have shortcomings and make mistakes. We argue sometimes, about anything---from her taking too long to put on make-up to my unusual ( according to her ) rule of being at work half an hour early. I'm sure she gets angry at me, as I do with her. But the thing is, we don't hold a grudge. And most of the time, we just laugh off at anything, that may have previously annoy us.

Living with my sister may have its ups and downs. But so far, so good. :-)

One fine weekend in Tofino.

I rarely go anywhere without my sister. Not that we are inseparable.  So it comes  as a surprise to her and even to me, when I find myself in the company of other people. One day, Rhea asked me if I'd like to tag along with her to Tofino. I was like, sure why not.

I had a grand time to say the least. It was one of the best weekend I've had. The weather was perfect and the place was extraordinary. I felt relaxed and laid-back. I managed to linger in bed for two mornings without being in a hurry to get going. It felt good to just lay there, buried under the sheets and stared at the low ceiling and watched the sunlight stream into the windows. I told myself, I wish I can stay forever.

I get to walk on Chesterman Beach which was really amazing. I like to come back and perhaps by that time, I get to run barefoot on the sand. :-)

To hear the sound of the waves is music to my ears. I was transported back home.

The first time I went to Tofino was with my sister, which was like, five years ago. We never really get to walk around, especially on the beach. We just thought we'd check out the place. So when I got the invite, its hard not to say yes. 

I've been meaning to write about that amazing weekend but something always came up and I end up doing nothing. Then one day, I find myself, going over the photos I took that time, so here goes...

The feeling after an ( unplanned ) weekend getaway. :-)

Thoughts on driving.

Come to think of it, driving my own car, was never one of my biggest  dreams. Although I remembered a few years ago, I made this scrapbook page of a cut-out picture of a car and a cut-out picture  of myself, beside it. I don't know if that was a sign of things to come. And I wrote a post about buying my own car if I have a million dollars. Needless to say, I don't have a million dollars but I still get to drive my own car.

Again as I've mentioned in a previous post, driving is by far, one of the most responsible and grown-up thing, I've ever done in my life. I think to those of you who drive,  you know what I mean. Driving requires all your attention and presence of mind. I find that you can't drive when you're angry or pissed off at someone or something.

Music keeps me company on those long drives, when I'm all by myself. 

I've been driving for the past few months. My sister and I decided to get our own car. She made a comment that its about time. Of course, I'm not saying that we can't live without one. In fact, we manage to get by without our own vehicle for the past few years. Fortunately, we have friends that gave us a ride when we need to go somewhere not accessible by public transport.

I find that driving at night is no easy task. The lights from incoming traffic is hard on my eyes. And then there's the issue of the lights coming from cars behind me. Driving at night is a lot different than driving during the daytime. So if I can get away from it, I'd gladly do so. But with my work, I have to drive at night so I have no choice. Driving in the rain is not a favorite either. I find the wipers, swinging up and down, distracting. The first time I get to drive in the rain was when I got off from night shift so I was worried that I might be too tired to stay awake. On the contrary, I was more wide awake than ever. Driving along speeding cars on the highway was an instant pick-me-up.

I have yet to drive in winter conditions so I can't say anything about it. It's something I don't look forward to. I've heard stories about accidents on the road during winter. But then again, accidents happen anytime of the year.

I don't drive just for the sake of driving. Although, I like the independence it gives me and it serves the purpose of getting me to places that I need to be. Mostly, at work. But if I can, I'd rather be on the passenger side,  listen to music and be alone with my own thoughts.

A big kid's tale.

Life begins at 40. Or so they say. If that's the case, then I have to wait a year or so. God willing, I'll live that long. Not that I worry about getting older or about my age.

From what I gather along the way, life began when I decided to "grow up". And I don't mean just physically, because in this part, I don't get to decide. Life began when I realize that even if I don't have the life I imagine or dream of, it's not the end of the world for me. That whenever I'm dealt with the wrong cards, it doesn't mean that life is not fair. To be a grown up means having the courage to own up my mistakes and take responsibility for my actions. That whenever I face hardships, it is okay to feel frustrated  and feel like throwing in the towel but still find ways to forge ahead. All of these is part of being alive. Life will be so boring if it's just easy all the time.

I believe life is made unpredictable and mysterious, not to mention difficult at times, in order for me to learn valuable lessons that may come useful and handy, when the going gets rough.  As the saying goes, "what doesn't kill you, will make you stronger". Or something like that.

"When the wind of change blows, some build walls while others build windmills." - Chinese proverb

Change is inevitable and the only constant in life. Like it or not, I encounter and have to deal with a lot of changes in my life. Sometimes, I met them with trepidation and fear. Fear of the unknown is undeniable. And whenever I wallow in fear for too long, I make up excuses to rationalize my inaction and hesitation.

It has been five years now, when I first arrived in Canada. Life is pretty laid-back and I think I have adjusted to my new life here. In those five years a lot has happened and changed for me. I learned to be more thankful even if sometimes things don't turn out the way I want them to be. Life in a foreign country is not that grand as what others purported it to be. Sure, it is a far cry from what I had back home but there are also a lot of ironies that I have to contend with. Being away from my family and all things familiar is a compromise. But I'm grateful for the exceptionally wonderful, kind and generous people I've met whom made me feel welcome and well-taken care of. They made my life here easier.

"Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom." - Marcel Proust

If there's one thing I can take away from the past five years, it is this---I never really fully understand the meaning of being responsible until now. Yes, it's easy for me to say I'm responsible. I mean, I follow the traffic rules and all. I pay my taxes. But frankly, it was only a few months ago that it started to sink in, ---what it really means to be a responsible adult. I never felt more responsible and be present in the moment, than when I'm behind the wheel.  It's the most grown up thing I've ever done, so far. I drink on occasions. But since I started driving, I make it a point to only imbibe alcohol when I am absolutely sure that I won't be going out.

Showing up for work, with a decent amount of sleep and a "let's get this party started" attitude is another thing. Yes, there are days when I wish I'm somewhere else rather than at work. But that's about it. One day, while driving from work to go to the next one, I thought about the bible verse "No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other." In my case, I have more than two masters (  and I'm not just talking about work ). Lately, I have this feeling that I'm trapped.  And oftentimes, I've been told that I'm too serious. I can't say I'm crazy about what I do but I'm always thankful for it because it gives me a sense of purpose. Besides, getting paid, it allows me to be with people and interact with them.

To be a sensible and responsible adult is hard work in itself. So in the odd times that I get bogged down and frustrated with the vagaries of adult life, I try to think about this phrase, "this too shall pass" and escape to my world, with books and music. And perhaps, have a drink or two. With coffee, I usually have three. :-)

If I were a boy, the perks of being "not really a girl".

I can hear the wheels turning in your head. "Finally, she's coming out." But I hate to disappoint you, I'm not coming out from anywhere. As far as I'm concerned, I'm not hiding. Lately, I've been thinking about a lot of things and more so because I have free time on my hands. Actually, I should be doing something else, aside from zoning out but I always procrastinate. The inclination to write is heightened when I'm at this state. But  I do go to work so the aforementioned "free time" on my hands is not always the case.

Now back to my post. As long I can remember, I never really like to wear a dress. And by dress, I mean, the kind made with frilly or soft stuff or something that cling to your body. Or worse, the kind that hinders free movement. Growing up, a shirt and knee-high pants were always my go-to attire.  I have no explanation and I don't think I owe anyone, as to why I'd rather wear jeans, a t-shirt and a pair of runners than a dress or something. I can't be bothered with make-up , fashion or dressing up. It annoys me when I go to the mall with my sister because she'd spend hours there to look for clothes and what not. And one time, while we were in a store, I told her that I feel out of place and she gave me a look that said "Oh my, here we go again." A shower and a change of clean clothes is good enough for me. I don't spend a lot of time going over what to wear because its mainly jeans and t-shirt, except during colder months. I don't agonize over how my hair looks like ( well, it's always in a ponytail anyway and lately, I think about cutting it short so I don't have to worry about combing it ).

"Look at me, I will never pass for a perfect bride

 Or a perfect daughter.

 Can it be, I'm not meant to play this part?

 Now I see, that if I were truly to be myself

 I would break my family's heart...." - Mulan

It's a huge relief that I don't have lots of friends so I don't get invites to parties or get-together. That way, I don't need to dress up. Besides, parties and get-togethers are not my thing. I do like to smell good, if that's any consolation. When I complained to my sister about how she spend hours "painting" her face or "ironing" her hair and letting me wait like forever, it seems, she always give me this retort, "You don't understand because you're not a girl."

Apparently, based on my experience, if a girl does not dress or move around like the rest of the female species, she's bound to be labeled as something else. We have different words for it in our dialect and now when I think of it, they sound derogatory and mocking. I had my share of embarrassing incidents, when I was mistaken for a boy or someone's younger brother, especially when I used to sport a crop haircut. The story of my life.

As for relationships, I don't have any. I think that fueled the speculation about me leaning more toward the same team. Someone even asked me if I'm attracted to guys, I'm like, yes I do. But it doesn't mean that I want to hang out with them or spend the rest of my life with them. I don't go out of my way to meet them because I don't want to.

I came from a culture that sort of classify women, when they get to a certain age, to "settle down" and have a family. The "settle down" and "have a family" part has never really entered my mind. I don't hear my biological clock ticking. ( And for someone. who is asked for identification, from time to time, when I go to buy something from a liquor store, I guess I can get away with not hearing my biological clock ticking. )

Just so you know, I'm not against relationship or marriage. I know a few people who are married and have children. They're happy.  But I know early on, that being in a relationship or getting married, for that matter, is not for me. I am selfish when it comes to my time. I'm not willing to compromise.

This is my stand now, but who knows, a few years down the road, something get loosely unscrewed in my brain, then all of a sudden, I change my mind. ( God forbid .) In the meantime, I enjoy and make the most of what I have right now. And be "irresponsible" once in a while.

Yes, I mentioned about  perks. Well, here's one, I get to buy more pairs of runners. Go figure.

What dreams may come?

Ah, dreams. I used it carelessly or interchangeably with the word "goals". I have dreams.  One day, while I drive home from work, I remembered something a friend told me on Facebook, she said about my dream coming true, finally driving my own car.

"Life has a way of testing a person's will, either by having nothing happen at all or by having everything happen at once." - Paulo Coelho

When I was in Grade six I remembered telling my family that I want to be an astronaut when I grow up. This unexpected announcement was met by curious nods and looks, as if to say, "Let the child be. She doesn't know better." In high school, after having been introduced to the world of Ariel in the "Little Mermaid", I decided that I want to be a Walt Disney animator when I grow up. I mean, what's not to love about cartoons, or Winnie the Pooh, for that matter.

Then I went to university and reality starts to creep in. I have a bachelor's degree in accounting but never really get to used it. I tried and failed to pass the board examinations  to become a certified public accountant. As what my aunt told me, when a door closes, another one will open. True enough, one did and I had no qualms barging into it.

"When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it." - Paulo Coelho 

Years later, I found myself doing something altogether different. My dreams disappear in the midst of the craziness and mind-boggling reality of daily life. It turns out there are other important things  that carries more weight than my dreams. Yes, I still watch cartoons. And sometimes, I still wonder what it feels like to be in outer space, especially after I watched the movie "Gravity". But that's about it.

I did grow up and I realized that things change. And its up to me to keep up with it. Someone asked if I like what I do. In response, I said that it's not about liking it or not. It's more about accepting the fact that I made the decision to do it. The least I can do is make the most out of it.

As for driving a car, it is AMAZING.

I lived, thankfully.

"One often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it." - Master Oogway ( Kung Fu Panda )

"You cannot swim for new horizons until you have courage to lose sight of the shore." - William Faulkner