What I think about, now that I'm 40. And what I learned, so far.

"You're only young once, they say, but doesn't it go for a long time? More years than you can bear." - Hilary Mantel, An Experiment in Love

I turned 40  months ago, days leading to it, I search online for things to do to mark my 40^th birthday. A party is out of the question. I mean, a party involves a lot of people. Other interesting stuff were mentioned, like jumping out of a plane for one or go somewhere secluded and spend the day by yourself. Things I’m not too keen on doing at that time. My birthday falls on a Monday and it was just like any ordinary day. My sister bought balloons with the words “Happy 40^th Birthday!”. I repeatedly told her, it was just a waste of money, much to her annoyance. Then we had breakfast at a local cafe near our place and went for a short walk around the lake. The walk was my favorite part of the day. I thought about having a drink at the end of the day, then remembered that I have to go to work later that night. So much for my 40^th.

 I remembered someone told me, that she went all out when she turned 40. Frankly, I didn’t know what she meant. Age is just a number, I know, but somehow it implies a lot of things. Someone asked me how I feel now that I’m 40. I replied that I don’t feel anything. Not entirely true, I suppose. On some days I can feel my back, when I get out of bed. Other times, my knees make this sound, when I hurry down the stairs. For me, nothing has changed, except for the fact that I’m 40 and the weight on my shoulders has gotten heavier.

I’ve heard the line that says, life begins at 40 or something like that. If that’s the case, what was the last 39 years of my life amount to? I have no idea. I thought about writing this post because I find that now I’m older, I tend to do a lot of thinking about things in general. I’ve been told that I think too much, to a fault. I mean, I even complicate a simple matter by thinking too much about it. My sister point this out to me all the time. So, if you don’t mind, allow me to share my thoughts on random things, from a 40-year old’s point of view. So, here goes my spiel.

My sister will be my go-to companion, until, she go on one of her "hush. hush" getaways. 

On Family: It’s funny and weird, how when I was younger, I wish that I belong in a different family. I wish that I had the perfect parents and siblings. As I get older, I realized that part of who I am today is attributed to my family.  No amount of success will mean anything to me if I can’t share it with them.

On Work: Someone at work made a comment that I’m an eager-beaver because I arrive half an hour early before the start of my shift. She made it sound like it’s such a bad thing that I am early. I dismissed her comment with a shrug. My sister even told me that no one will give me a medal for being punctual at work. I guess the norm for most people is to arrive at work with 5 minutes to spare, half-awake (during mornings) and drag their feet, because they’d rather be somewhere else. I don’t profess to be crazy about my job but I do it in a way that is expected of me. I believe in going the extra mile even if nobody cares if I do.

"Sometimes the highest test of humanity is what we hold ourselves back from doing when every fiber in our body wants to do something else."- Mitch Albom

 On Friends: I don’t have a lot of friends. I have acquaintances, mostly by association. When I first came to Canada seven years ago, I’ve been told that I won’t survive alone. Scary predicament, I thought. Fortunately, I have my sister here, she’s obligated to be friends with me, whether she like it or not. But even then, I need to “get away” from her, from time to time. I am privilege and fortunate to have met people that have been very good and kind to me. People who understands that tiny detail about me---just because I’m quiet doesn’t mean I don’t have anything to say about things. People who believe that I’m capable of doing something worthwhile and help me achieve it. People who wants me around, just because.

On driving: I’ve been driving for the past two years and I can’t say, I like it very much. I do it out of necessity when I must go to work but other than that, I’d rather stay put. It didn’t help when I got pulled over once, for running through a yellow light. Sure, there’s the thing about being independent and all. And that’s it. I still want to be on  the passenger seat, once in awhile and be alone with my thoughts.

On death: My first experience with death was when my grandmother passed away, and I was old enough to understand what happened. I have had a few people I care about, passed away. And I know  that death is inevitable, still, it saddened me to think that I won't see them again. That all I have are memories.

On children: I don’t have children of my own but I’m cool with hanging out with them, from time to time. I like children but I don't think I'm responsible enough to have them.

"Let yourself be silently drawn by the stronger pull of what you really love." - Rumi

I like to think that I learned a thing or two since I came to this world. I used to wonder why my mother didn't impose rules on me while growing up. When I confronted her about this, she replied, "I know you'd always do the right thing.",with an expression, that said, how can you ask me that. 

I find that dreams do come true. It did not happen overnight for me but when it did, the feeling was surreal and left me speechless, except to say, "This is awesome."  I can't take all the credit for the past 40 years. It is evident that I have some help and someone is looking out for me. And for that I am always thankful.

Being a grown up and a responsible adult is hard work. A lot of times I have to make compromises just to fit in. I used to tell myself that I don't really care what people say or think about me. But the thing is, I do. And doing the right thing, sometimes, go against, what I believe is right. But hey, I'm still here, so I guess, I'm figuring things as I go along.

So anyway, I'll end this post with my hopes for the years to come, God willing, I'm still around....

• Good health for my family and friends.
• The means and willingness to provide for my family.
• To be always grateful, no matter what.
• To 'don't sweat the small stuff".
• To run again. Hopefully.

This is 40 bucket list.

Turning a year older is a milestone. I mean, not all will get the privilege to do that. So, it got me thinking because in a few months time, God willing, I will turn 40.

"One day you will wake up and there won't be any more time to do the things you've always wanted. Do it now." - Paulo Coelho

One day, I had lunch with a friend, of whom I haven't seen in a long time. After we updated each other about our lives, she asked me, "So, what do you do for yourself?". It took me awhile to answer her, partly because I don't know what to say. I haven't been ask that question before. Eventually, I said I go to work and hang out with my sister. And she was like, no, not that. Her query added more sense ( I hope ! ) to what I plan to do.

So anyway, here goes my list:

• Go for a long walk.

• Try yoga.

• Get inked.

• Cut my hair short, like really, really short.

• Relive Harry Potter. This means I have to read all seven books, again.

I thought about keeping this list to myself. I could have easily write it down on  a piece of paper and forget about it. And not tell anyone about it. That way, no one will know if did it or not. I decided to put this on my blog so you, my readers ( you know who you are ) will hold me accountable. And perhaps, putting this out there will motivate me to really do them. Of course, the above-mentioned items are not a matter of life and death. In the grand scheme of things, they are irrelevant.  I thought that the added pressure will come in handy when I start to procrastinate, which I'm fond of doing lately.

We'll see how this goes.

Musings on my birthday... so, this is 39.

It's  that time of the year, again. And no, I'm not talking about Christmas. It's still too far ahead to talk about, mind you. Although I started seeing ads on TV about the holidays and all. The pressing matter at hand is that we're towards the end with the month of November. And it so happened that it's my birth month. I don't  usually get excited about my birthday. Growing up, my family didn't celebrate birthdays. It's like, so you're a year older, big deal. The only thing we did or was expected of us, was go to church and lit some candles. I even have to remind my mother that it's my birthday.

For some people, turning a year older is something they don't look forward to. I mean,who wants to get old? If we can get away with it, we'd rather stay forever young.

"Let us never know what old age is. Let us know the happiness time brings, not count the years."- Ausonius

As the years passed, I started to have this feeling of excitement and anticipation when my birthday comes up. Turning a year older is an opportunity I gladly embrace with gratitude. I don't really think about my age because it's just a number. Besides, I can still get away with not looking it. Proof of that, just recently, I went to my favorite store ( as my sister calls it ). After I grab a bottle of my favorite white wine and a pack of Smirnoff Ice vodka, I walk over to the till to pay. The guy, in the counter, while helping another customer, look at me. "Can I see some ID, young lady?" were his first words when I placed my stuff in front of him. I fiddled with my wallet and took out my driver's license and handed it to him. The cashier took a close look at it to check my date of birth, I assumed. I assured him that I'm old. And he was like, does this happen to you all the time. I hesitated and replied, "Sometimes." "Always", my sister piped in.

I'm thankful that I'm here for another year. To still get to do the things I love and to be with the people I care about is the best gift I'll ever have. Sure, I pine  for things and what not, I'm human after all. I used to write a "shameless plug" weeks before my birthday solely for my sister's benefit. So she wouldn't have a hard time in deciding what to get me for my birthday. But eventually,  I got tired of doing it. The main thing is I'm still around.

"I'm just so grateful, because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive. I'm enough."- Brene Brown

I don't feel any different. I know, 39 seemed like pretty old. Like you're expected to be married and have children. When I get asked how old I am and if I'm married and have children, I politely replied "No" to both questions. And always my answers would draw more follow-up questions, most common is "why?".  Last year, I went back home for a short visit, a friend told me that I've changed. I was like, no, I didn't. I don't know exactly what she meant by it because I'm still the same person as before. Perhaps I have change in some ways but only to adapt myself to where I am right now. I'm still the same person who don't  say much unless there's a purpose or point in a conversation. I still believe in being on time and not keep people waiting, like I'm some VIP.

Its funny how people try to pin you down in to a  category or something. And if they can't figure you out, they'll tell you what to do. I've been told to "color your hair" or  "go out and met people" or talk.  I get that I'm different and probably for some, weird. To the few people who accepts and tolerates my quirks, thank you. :-)

Before I end this post, allow me to share my hopes for the years to come. So here goes...

•  Good health for my family and friends. 
•  The means and willingness to provide for my family. ( because "You don't love your family because they're kind and considerate. You love them because they're your family." - Fall of Giants  )
•   To be always grateful.
•   To "don't sweat the small stuff" 
•   To run again. I'm hoping I can run another marathon before I reach 40. 
•   My jar of coins to fill up so I can go to New York.

Thank you for all the birthday wishes. :-)

Older and thankful...

I turned 36 a few weeks ago. I can't say I feel any different than last year. Of course, it doesn't escape my attention that I'm a year older now. I always look forward to my birthday no matter what. The past year has been a mixture of happy times ( my birthday, for one, that is ) and not so happy times. It entailed a lot of changes in my life. Someone I know passed away. I learned to drive and got my driver's license. Had to look for another job and had to pack my stuff and move again. Despite all that, I have so much to be thankful for. I'm grateful for where I am right now, in my life.

I get to have my cake and eat it too while at the same time, holding on to my beer. And have coffee with Baileys on the side. I'm a happy camper. :-) [ Thanks to Rita.] 

 I realized that things happen for a reason, though most of the time, it's way beyond me. I learned that crappy times don't last long, in the same way, that happy times don't last forever. Still it pays to remember that, there's always that light at the end of the tunnel, only if I know how to look and have patience at the same time. It's a huge comfort to have those happy memories to look back to whenever I feel down.

Turning a year older is an accomplishment in itself. I can't stress this enough. And there's that feeling of being "extra special" even if  just for one day.

Enjoyed sparkling wine with my sister and cousin. ( And other stuff not shown. )

I'll look forward to what this year has in store for me. Hopefully, I still get to run from time to time and do new stuff. Who knows...

Sisters-in-arms ( anything could happen )

"A sister can be seen as someone who is both ourselves and very much not ourselves." - Toni Morrison

I've been asked more than a few times if I like being in Canada. And I always say, "Yes, I like being here." Living in a foreign country and being away from home is not so bad because my sister is here, even if we don't get to see each other and hang out often. I know, I'd be singing a different tune if I'm the only one here. My sister helps keep homesickness at bay.

I decided to come up with this post because our birthdays are coming up and I thought I'd write something about our relationship. So far, it's working. My sister and I get along fine, perhaps more so, because we only see each other like, once or twice a month. So whatever time we have, is maximize and full of laughter and fun. I once told her that I only get to laugh ( the LOL kind ) when I'm with her.

"A sister is a little bit of childhood that can never be lost." - Marion C. Garretty

I'm thankful my sister is here. Between the two of us, we always find ways to have fun and enjoy each other's company. I'm not saying we never have arguments or something but we try not to have them. The little time we have is far better spend on having a grand "adventure". Besides, getting older, makes us more forgiving and accommodating to each other's shortcomings. Of course, I still complain ( sometimes ) when she takes her sweet time to put on make up or  decides what dress to wear. In the same way, she comments on the way I dress or my "old lady" shoes. But the best part is, she spoils me ( take note, sister, I still pine for the Nikon SLR ) and cooks me Filipino food, whenever I ask here.

So, here's to you, my "always fashionably dressed" sister, Happy, Happy Birthday!!!

"Sisters function as safety nets in a chaotic world simply by being there for each other."- Carol Saline

Not another "shameless plug"

Birthdays are always fun. I mean, to me it is. While some people would dread the fact that they turn a year older every time their birthdays come up, I welcome mine, with anticipation and excitement ( for what, I have no idea. ) Of course, it helps that I think my birthday is special and in some ways, I am too. And that's how my "shameless plugging" came about. I have this crazy idea that since it's my birthday, then I'm entitled to "beg" and get "special" things. ( Hence, a crazy idea, I know. )

Since, I started this shameful thing on my blog, I can say that, so far, it worked. Proof of that? Three years ago, on my 33rd birthday, I get to blow the candles on my first ever birthday cake and make a wish. It was fun. I think about that day with fond memories. ( And did I mention, that I got drunk too? Anyway, I can't remember. ) My friends were cool and indulgent so it worked out alright. I get to have my cake and eat it too. :-)

Come November, I'll be turning a year older. I won't be doing anything extraordinary on that day but perhaps, go for a short run if I can. From where I'm at right now, it usually rains or snows at that time. Awhile ago, I told my sister that we should do something fun and crazy on our birthday. ( It so happened that we were born in the same month but just on different dates. ) When I said 'something fun and crazy', I meant --- Zip Line. She exclaimed, no way. She's not really into physical stuff ( although she goes to the gym and all ) unless it involves putting on make-up or wearing high heels.

I'm not one to waste time when there's no reason to. Not, if I can't help it. I know my birthday won't be for another month or so, but I'm thinking, why not put it out there, early on. Pretty soon, November will be here. So I'm inspired to write another 'shameless plug' for this year. And I'm constantly dropping hints for my sister to figure it out, hopefully. Like one day, when I was in Nanaimo, I forced her to come to Chapters. At first, she balked at my suggestion to go inside the store, saying that she'd burst into flames once inside. ( She doesn't like books and hate the smell of coffee.) But I sweet-talk her into going and she had to make it up to me, for being late. So, we found ourselves walking around and in between shelves of books. I was in cloud nine but my sister looked like, she'd rather be somewhere else. I dragged her to a shelf where Moleskine journals and notebooks were neatly piled. She was like, "And you're showing me this, why?" I went on to say something about giving her an idea of what to get me for my birthday. She just rolled her eyes and walked away. I'm not sure if she get what I mean.

So, here goes my list....

I put a request for this at the library but I want my own copy so I can add it to my collection. ( Photo from amazon.co.uk )

I first get to try this one, I think, last year. Thought it be nice to use for my notes, although my phone's MemoPad works fine too. ( Photo from uncrate.com )

Moleskine journals or notebooks, so I can do more of this.:-)

I think, my list is not that long and perhaps, you can hardly call it a list. I get a kick from doing this post. It doesn't matter if nothing will come out of it. The whole point is I get to be "shameless" for a few weeks. And also, for me to find out if my sister reads my blog.

I wish I can say that I'm anxious about getting older or about how old I am, but I'm not. Age is just a number anyway. And  some think I don't look my age. It is always to my sister's chagrin, whenever we hang out, when her friends mistake me for her younger sister, instead of the other way around. One time, when I went to a pub with a couple of friends, I was asked for some identification. I was embarrassed and alarmed, thinking I did something wrong. My friend assured the person-in-charge that I'm old enough to be in the premises. Later on, she told me that it was a compliment - to be asked for my ID. I didn't know what to say.

Before I think of something else to add to my list, I'd better stop blabbering about what I want for my birthday. And really, it's no big deal if I don't get anything. I have far more important things to hope for....

• Good health for my family and friends. And myself too. ( I have another goal: run another marathon before I reach 40 )
• The means and willingness to provide for my family. ( Hopefully, they appreciate it.)
• To always "Be satisfied. Be grateful."
• To "don't sweat the small stuff."
• And to be able to run, for longer.

"Whatever with the past has gone, the best is always yet to come." Lucy Larcom

...I love the phrase "shameless plugging"...

Two weeks before my birthday last year, I had the gall to write a post about what I want for my birthday. Suffice to say that I got it all. I can't recall anymore if I got drunk at that time. One thing I did remember well though, I was happy. I had an "awesome" birthday. :-)

A month from now, I'm getting a year older ( God willing ). Nothing much has changed for the past year, except for my location at the moment. I'm miles away from my family and friends now, so that's kind of a bummer. Though, I have my sister and aunt here. But still.

Anyway, I'm not going to be melodramatic here. The sole purpose of churning out this post is to get across my birthday wishes ( "ahem" ) to those people who find me  'special' somehow ( Well, they did not really say it to me. I just assumed it)

For this edition of my shameless plugging, I'm doing away with the "list". It's kind of boring to look at and overwhelming. One thing I learned  after my seven months of stay here is to say what you want, up front. ( doesn't really matter if you get it right away, at least you tried). So indulge me for a few minutes of your precious time here, after all, my birthday is coming up...

Stieg Larsson's Millenium Trilogy ( doesn't have to be the exact image above, paperback is fine with me )

NOOK ( If you're curious, click here.)

The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene ( I already have Greene's  two other books. I just thought I should also read this one. And please, don't think I'm out to seduce anyone.)

So there goes my 'birthday wishes'. I think it's not that complicated actually. And not that many compared to what I had made last year. Anyone can have their own way at looking this. To some, it may be too extravagant and unreasonable. Hence, the title "shameless". Go figures.

Now unto more serious stuff. My world will not fall apart if I don't get all those things I mentioned above. And I can get by without them ( There's always the library. What's the point of my library card if I don't use it?) I just love the sound of "birthday wishes" :-) 

What I really want is not just for me, per se. I find it more fulfilling and meaningful to share what I have with my family, especially now. So to reiterate what I wrote last year with some revisions:

•  Good health for my family and friends. And for myself too. ( I haven't forgotten my 'lofty' goal of running a marathon before I reach 40 ( puhon2x) )
• The means and willingness to provide for my family.
• Hopefully, I will realize that all what is happening to me now is just "one more passing show" and that I should not feel so bad about it.
• To always "Be satisfied. Be grateful."
• And lastly to "Don't sweat the small stuff...and it's all small stuff."

Hope I did not bore you senseless with my "shameless plugging" for this year. Happy reading and thank you for indulging me...:-)